It's after midnight and I'm still awake. This is a rarity. I am generally an early to bed, early to stay in bed half-awake while watching daytime tv. Well, not when I have work. But I don't usually stay up this late unless there's a reason.
Maybe I'm excited about my trip up north. Maybe I'm terrified of it. I just wanted to go to see if there was something worth fighting for rather than just a good friend. When I got the same advice from three women in less than 8 hours, I figured I should think about it and have the conversation I dreaded (which really wasn't that bad).
Note to self: Exhausted, over-stressed, hormonal, overworked, and stressing about bar results AND medical stuff is worse than drunk dialing. At least drunk dialing usually just means overly-forward and flirty. All of the aforementioned elements equals bad judgment and accusations.
And at this point in the night, I'm not sleepy. My body KNOWS it is secretly tired, but I feel like the kid at [insert favorite childhood amusement park here] when it's past bedtime, but you REFUSE to show any signs of tiredness (which, of course, just underscores how tired you really are). Well, I for one am going to give this sleep thing a shot just after "By Your Side" by Sade finishes. I really think this would be the perfect song for some guy to steal my heart with. It even includes the line "I'll tell you you're right when you want...hahahaha." But it's still sweet, and if some guy would tell me I'm right when I need to hear it (need to hear it, not just want to), he would absolutely be the right guy for me.
Anyone know anyone who's looking for a romantic, sweetly-sarcastic, law clerk (hope-to-be soon-to-be-attorney), is financially independent, and who is really a good catch? Yeah, me neither.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Swirly-Headed
I have a million things going on in my head right now. I'm swirly-headed. I've got a ton of stuff going on at work and it's all going to hit the fan tomorrow when my boss comes back from a mini-vacation. I've got discovery that needs to go out tomorrow, we have an ex parte coming up on Wednesday, I've got an arbitration petition that needs to go out but might very well be unnecessary, letters going out, stipulations...oh, and the paralegal put in her 2 weeks notice.
And I obviously said some things I should have said on the phone with "him." Some things I said weren't fair. So today I apologized, which was not easy to do. And I had to tell him something else, which was WAY harder than apologizing. But I had to tell him. And he told me that he understood and forgave me and thanked me for apologizing. Then I started telling him about all my stress and things going on...then I started crying. But, I've decided to go for a face-to-face visit, which I will likely be doing in early October. Now that all my cards are on the table, I feel a bit vulnerable, but isn't that what friendships and relationships are about? Being vulnerable with each other? And by the way, thank you to my two girlfriends who listened through both ends of it.
And I think I want Botox in my jaw to help with my TMJ/teeth grinding. On a particularly stressful day, I'll find that my jaw is aching and I didn't even realize I was clenching. Or on a stressful night, I'll awake almost unable to fully open my mouth from a nighttime of clenching my jaw. Ouch. The upside is that if I can get a Kaiser doctor to diagnose it, the Botox is covered (except, of course, the co-pay) since it's a medical treatment as opposed to cosmetic.
I'm just swirly-headed right now.
And I obviously said some things I should have said on the phone with "him." Some things I said weren't fair. So today I apologized, which was not easy to do. And I had to tell him something else, which was WAY harder than apologizing. But I had to tell him. And he told me that he understood and forgave me and thanked me for apologizing. Then I started telling him about all my stress and things going on...then I started crying. But, I've decided to go for a face-to-face visit, which I will likely be doing in early October. Now that all my cards are on the table, I feel a bit vulnerable, but isn't that what friendships and relationships are about? Being vulnerable with each other? And by the way, thank you to my two girlfriends who listened through both ends of it.
And I think I want Botox in my jaw to help with my TMJ/teeth grinding. On a particularly stressful day, I'll find that my jaw is aching and I didn't even realize I was clenching. Or on a stressful night, I'll awake almost unable to fully open my mouth from a nighttime of clenching my jaw. Ouch. The upside is that if I can get a Kaiser doctor to diagnose it, the Botox is covered (except, of course, the co-pay) since it's a medical treatment as opposed to cosmetic.
I'm just swirly-headed right now.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
What Do You Do When...
What do you do when you're crying and the only people in the world who may conceivably understand what you're going through who also know and love you don't answer their phones?
I'm still working on the answer to that one. I guess the short answer is "blog, since your computer happens to already be on."
So I told him. He is fixated on living in another state. He chose a locale over me. And maybe I'm making a bigger deal over this than I should. I mean, it's not like we're really together at all. But I honestly thought we could make a go of it. But I am stuck in CA because of the Bar. And I believe it's unfair to ask someone to have to go through another bar exam just because that state doesn't offer reciprocity. Knowing the hell I went through not passing and having to re-take it (again), how could someone ask that of me? But, in all fairness, he didn't ask. I kind of wish he would have. At least that might have shown me that he really love me, not just really says it.
And what do you do when your heart feels cracked (aka not fully broken) and none of your friends are answering their phones? Cry some more and go to bed...while watching his favorite baseball team lose.
I'm still working on the answer to that one. I guess the short answer is "blog, since your computer happens to already be on."
So I told him. He is fixated on living in another state. He chose a locale over me. And maybe I'm making a bigger deal over this than I should. I mean, it's not like we're really together at all. But I honestly thought we could make a go of it. But I am stuck in CA because of the Bar. And I believe it's unfair to ask someone to have to go through another bar exam just because that state doesn't offer reciprocity. Knowing the hell I went through not passing and having to re-take it (again), how could someone ask that of me? But, in all fairness, he didn't ask. I kind of wish he would have. At least that might have shown me that he really love me, not just really says it.
And what do you do when your heart feels cracked (aka not fully broken) and none of your friends are answering their phones? Cry some more and go to bed...while watching his favorite baseball team lose.
The Winner Takes it All
I knew I was an Abba fan, and such knowledge was recently cemented when I went to see Mama Mia. Well, the other night in my downloading frenzy (yes, again, it was all LEGAL downloading which I paid licensing fees for), I downloaded some Abba.
Today was a rough day already, and it's only 2o til 2. One of my kitties is sick, and I thought she had died under a bathroom cabinet. Happily, thankfully, she's fine. But it still freaked me out.
I also tried calling my favorite guy to sweetly wake him up this morning but he neglected to answer the phone. I wanted to tell him that I do love him, but when he called me around noon from the grocery store, it just wasn't the right time.
I'm just in a funk, probably induced by a combination of forgetting my pills yesterday, him not answering my call, the weather still being gray since yesterday, my sick kitty, etc. So I started listening to The Winner Takes it All, and welled up. It isn't easy to await bar results no matter where you are. Sometimes you don't even realize that your stress is bar-related until you realize that it's a bit irrational. Kind of similar to PMS predicting your period through irrational crying spells and chocolate binges.
Anyway, my favorite guy said to me on the phone last night that he wished so badly that he could help me or do something to help me have passed this time. It was admittedly sweet sentiment, but the problem is that I don't want it to be from anyone's help. I've worked for my entire life for this goal. I was born to be a lawyer. And at this final moment, I want the combination of my blood, sweat, and tears, along with the guidance and teaching I've received along the way to result in ME being the winner. Isn't it my time? When do I get to be THAT girl?
Today was a rough day already, and it's only 2o til 2. One of my kitties is sick, and I thought she had died under a bathroom cabinet. Happily, thankfully, she's fine. But it still freaked me out.
I also tried calling my favorite guy to sweetly wake him up this morning but he neglected to answer the phone. I wanted to tell him that I do love him, but when he called me around noon from the grocery store, it just wasn't the right time.
I'm just in a funk, probably induced by a combination of forgetting my pills yesterday, him not answering my call, the weather still being gray since yesterday, my sick kitty, etc. So I started listening to The Winner Takes it All, and welled up. It isn't easy to await bar results no matter where you are. Sometimes you don't even realize that your stress is bar-related until you realize that it's a bit irrational. Kind of similar to PMS predicting your period through irrational crying spells and chocolate binges.
Anyway, my favorite guy said to me on the phone last night that he wished so badly that he could help me or do something to help me have passed this time. It was admittedly sweet sentiment, but the problem is that I don't want it to be from anyone's help. I've worked for my entire life for this goal. I was born to be a lawyer. And at this final moment, I want the combination of my blood, sweat, and tears, along with the guidance and teaching I've received along the way to result in ME being the winner. Isn't it my time? When do I get to be THAT girl?
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Download Frenzy
Since Shoe Frenzy was this weekend, I figured the rest of my week/month/any length of time should resemble a frenzy. Or maybe it just happened that way. Or maybe it was a grand design.
Whatever.
So I downloaded 18 songs tonight ranging from Sade to Dixie Chicks, Melissa Etheridge to Dolly Parton. I even downloaded Mr. Big and Johnny Cash. Eclectic? Hell yes. Me? Completely.
Oh yeah, and Shoe Frenzy is where a bunch of designers donate a bunch of pairs of shoes to help Women's Clinic. Something like 97% of the money for the shoes goes to help Women's Clinic. So I went a little nuts and bought 5 pairs of shoes. I only have buyer's remorse over one of them, but I'm still not entirely sure yet. But no woman can have too many purses or shoes. And the proceeds go to help protect women's reproductive rights, access to health care, and even access to mental health care. I'm doing what Bush can't, and all I had to do was buy too many pairs of shoes.
Off to listen to my newly downloaded (LEGALLY) music. I even paid for it. The last thing I need is a virus, or the Bar determining that I don't have a good moral character after all and revoking my positive determination. Irony in the wording? Not likely, not if you know me.
Whatever.
So I downloaded 18 songs tonight ranging from Sade to Dixie Chicks, Melissa Etheridge to Dolly Parton. I even downloaded Mr. Big and Johnny Cash. Eclectic? Hell yes. Me? Completely.
Oh yeah, and Shoe Frenzy is where a bunch of designers donate a bunch of pairs of shoes to help Women's Clinic. Something like 97% of the money for the shoes goes to help Women's Clinic. So I went a little nuts and bought 5 pairs of shoes. I only have buyer's remorse over one of them, but I'm still not entirely sure yet. But no woman can have too many purses or shoes. And the proceeds go to help protect women's reproductive rights, access to health care, and even access to mental health care. I'm doing what Bush can't, and all I had to do was buy too many pairs of shoes.
Off to listen to my newly downloaded (LEGALLY) music. I even paid for it. The last thing I need is a virus, or the Bar determining that I don't have a good moral character after all and revoking my positive determination. Irony in the wording? Not likely, not if you know me.
Yes, It HAS Been 100 Years...
Sorry I haven't blogged. Honestly, I haven't felt much like taking out my laptop, setting it up, fighting with my cats, etc.
What you've missed lately:
1. My trip to Vegas for a lawyers convention. Two big "ups" were seeing two of my favorite lawyers, one of which wants me to pass the bar so he can see if I can finally come work for him. Ever since I did my "due diligence" on him and his firm when I interviewed there a year ago I wanted to work there. And the other was someone I've known from college who is likewise amazing. And there was a cocktail party where I had to wear a black and white checkered wristband. I had to think of the last time I wore won, and I flashed back to college again. I needed to then make a beeline for the bar. I drank a touch much, but it's Vegas! Oh, and I'll blame the cocktails for bidding $1350 on a pair of world series tickets. It was fun, but I was admittedly lonely and additionally bummed out about failing the bar. Please Lord, I need to have passed this time. PLEASE!! ?? please?
2. The new "paralegal" at my office broke down in tears acknowledging to my assistant that she's overwhelmed by the job, knows she's never been on time once, is stressed out by her mom visiting from Europe, etc. It gave me validation that I AM good at my job and that I did deserve a raise. It also made me sad because I want so much to help her, but what she needs isn't help, it's a lot more training than I can provide. I mean, what paralegal doesn't know how to research on Westlaw? I want it to work out, and I wish the best for everyone. But it's not my job (and hence, I can't bill for the time) to train her. Especially with stuff that she really should have known by now.
3. A firm in the area in which I want to practice just emailed me and asked if I was still looking for a job. I'm over the moon about the prospect of getting back into that field, but I KNOW it'll mean a pay cut. And I feel like Judas with Coach bags instead of silver pieces. It's like I've sold my principles to a defense firm in exchange for my brand new Kate Spade purse, 2 new Coach bags, 5 new pairs of shoes...I really AM the devil who wears Prada. Well, not Prada. But you get the gist.
4. My grandmother turned 81 on Saturday, and I'll call her this week to wish her a happy birthday. I just want to give her some time to recuperate from the weekend of casino hopping they just did with my aunt and uncle.
5. I have a current favorite author! Her name is Jen Lancaster, and the book is "Such a Pretty Fat." She even called someone an "a$$hat," which is a joke only one of you will understand, and the reason she understands is because I told her it sounds just like HER voice in the book. The only reason I know it's not her is because she'd never have dogs and leather couches. Nearly everything else is a perfect match.
Now that you've read my mini-novel, I hope you humor me and enjoy the tidbits I will continue to post even if sporadically.
Have a fabulous day!
What you've missed lately:
1. My trip to Vegas for a lawyers convention. Two big "ups" were seeing two of my favorite lawyers, one of which wants me to pass the bar so he can see if I can finally come work for him. Ever since I did my "due diligence" on him and his firm when I interviewed there a year ago I wanted to work there. And the other was someone I've known from college who is likewise amazing. And there was a cocktail party where I had to wear a black and white checkered wristband. I had to think of the last time I wore won, and I flashed back to college again. I needed to then make a beeline for the bar. I drank a touch much, but it's Vegas! Oh, and I'll blame the cocktails for bidding $1350 on a pair of world series tickets. It was fun, but I was admittedly lonely and additionally bummed out about failing the bar. Please Lord, I need to have passed this time. PLEASE!! ?? please?
2. The new "paralegal" at my office broke down in tears acknowledging to my assistant that she's overwhelmed by the job, knows she's never been on time once, is stressed out by her mom visiting from Europe, etc. It gave me validation that I AM good at my job and that I did deserve a raise. It also made me sad because I want so much to help her, but what she needs isn't help, it's a lot more training than I can provide. I mean, what paralegal doesn't know how to research on Westlaw? I want it to work out, and I wish the best for everyone. But it's not my job (and hence, I can't bill for the time) to train her. Especially with stuff that she really should have known by now.
3. A firm in the area in which I want to practice just emailed me and asked if I was still looking for a job. I'm over the moon about the prospect of getting back into that field, but I KNOW it'll mean a pay cut. And I feel like Judas with Coach bags instead of silver pieces. It's like I've sold my principles to a defense firm in exchange for my brand new Kate Spade purse, 2 new Coach bags, 5 new pairs of shoes...I really AM the devil who wears Prada. Well, not Prada. But you get the gist.
4. My grandmother turned 81 on Saturday, and I'll call her this week to wish her a happy birthday. I just want to give her some time to recuperate from the weekend of casino hopping they just did with my aunt and uncle.
5. I have a current favorite author! Her name is Jen Lancaster, and the book is "Such a Pretty Fat." She even called someone an "a$$hat," which is a joke only one of you will understand, and the reason she understands is because I told her it sounds just like HER voice in the book. The only reason I know it's not her is because she'd never have dogs and leather couches. Nearly everything else is a perfect match.
Now that you've read my mini-novel, I hope you humor me and enjoy the tidbits I will continue to post even if sporadically.
Have a fabulous day!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
AZ Trippin'
This past weekend I went to Arizona to visit family. Grandparents and Aunt and Uncle. It's so great to spend time with family, even if I am the ever-weak link in the pinochle games. Ah well.
So I guess my grandfather is having some issues with his brain. Sometimes I wish I went into medicine instead of law because I HATE it when I don't understand things that are happening. But then again, there is a lot in medicine that is uncertain (including my Schamberg's disease), so knowing that no one knows might likewise be pertwerbing. But I love them and I'm sure I'll be doing my fair share of internet searching.
I also watched Hillary's speech tonight. I cried. It's as if she read my mind. "Did you vote for me or what I stand for?" She's right. As pissed as I am at Obama, and as much as I doubt his abilities to lead this country, I have to admit that I believe in the Democratic ideals. I hate to admit I'd rather have him than McCain. I'm far from a McCain supporter and I'd never vote for him. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I dislike Obama so much that I considered voting for Nader. Yikes. I know, it's really unlike me. But that's life. At least it's my life right now. And I do like Biden, especially since he's such an ardent supporter of workers' rights and labor.
I'm exhausted right now and my other strange, indecipherable condition (chostocondritis) (sp?) is really acting up tonight. And I might have to stay up late to have a chat with my favorite man, so I should get going.
I'm sorry I don't blog much. It's just difficult to find the time now that I'm working more than I ever anticipated, our new paralegal is making my (and our legal assistant's) job harder. I mean, someone who calls themself a paralegal should be able to use Westlaw, right? The thing is, I don't work for her. In the food chain, she's below me. And I don't get paid (since I'm an hourly contractor) to help her do her work. I can't bill for it. Whatever. I just need to lay down.
So I guess my grandfather is having some issues with his brain. Sometimes I wish I went into medicine instead of law because I HATE it when I don't understand things that are happening. But then again, there is a lot in medicine that is uncertain (including my Schamberg's disease), so knowing that no one knows might likewise be pertwerbing. But I love them and I'm sure I'll be doing my fair share of internet searching.
I also watched Hillary's speech tonight. I cried. It's as if she read my mind. "Did you vote for me or what I stand for?" She's right. As pissed as I am at Obama, and as much as I doubt his abilities to lead this country, I have to admit that I believe in the Democratic ideals. I hate to admit I'd rather have him than McCain. I'm far from a McCain supporter and I'd never vote for him. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I dislike Obama so much that I considered voting for Nader. Yikes. I know, it's really unlike me. But that's life. At least it's my life right now. And I do like Biden, especially since he's such an ardent supporter of workers' rights and labor.
I'm exhausted right now and my other strange, indecipherable condition (chostocondritis) (sp?) is really acting up tonight. And I might have to stay up late to have a chat with my favorite man, so I should get going.
I'm sorry I don't blog much. It's just difficult to find the time now that I'm working more than I ever anticipated, our new paralegal is making my (and our legal assistant's) job harder. I mean, someone who calls themself a paralegal should be able to use Westlaw, right? The thing is, I don't work for her. In the food chain, she's below me. And I don't get paid (since I'm an hourly contractor) to help her do her work. I can't bill for it. Whatever. I just need to lay down.
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