$4,500,000

Approximately 10,000 sit for the July bar exam every year. To sit (and take it on your laptop), you have to pay approximately $650. This does not include any bar prep courses, books, hotel, food, etc. "They" say that $100 of everyone's fees goes to the multi-state portion of the exam. Another approximately $100 goes for using your laptop. So let's say that every person who sat for the bar exam gave roughly $450 for their exam to be proctored, shipped to Northern California, and graded. Please keep in mind, the average essay gets graded in 2-3 minutes, and the average performance test gets graded in about 5 minutes. Assuming that three of the essays and one of the performance tests gets re-graded, that works out to roughly 45 minutes.

I paid four hundred and fifty f*cking dollars for forty five minutes of your time, ten damned dollars PER MINUTE, and the best they can do is FOUR FREAKING MONTHS?!!?!?!?

We, collectively, have willingly paid roughly $4,500,000, and the best they can do is four months? What the hell is the deal? This is bad business. It's no wonder that we all went to law school. For the most part, we are not great at math. We collectively have other talents. But has anyone else done this math? Has anyone else figured out that this is a freaking racket? It's a money-making proposition. Anyone else wonder why the passage rate is so low and there is NO appeal process? Answer? The bottom line. There is profit from our failure.

Is it possible that I'm getting more insane by the minute? I'd bet on it. Frankly, I have a $160,000 bet riding on me eventually passing this damn thing. People wonder why I like Vegas? Other than being America's adult playground (and there are generally fewer children than say, my next door neighbors that have been kicking a ball against our wall for the entire time I wrote this post), it is a place where you dream that the impossible could actually happen. And even if you lose a couple hundred bucks gambling, it's a relatively cheap bet. I've bet $160,000 on me passing this ONE TEST where the odds are stacked further against me than any house odds in Vegas.

And what happens when you pass? They send you a bill. Granted, I'll be so over-the-moon excited to have passed I'll be in a frenzy writing that check. I probably won't be able to relax until I know they cashed it. Somehow it'll feel like consideration for the contract, on which I can reasonably rely. I wonder if that's ever happened - they tell you that you passed, you pay, then they admit their mistake in admitting you and try to take it back. Sounds like a research project for a bored law student in contracts class. Hmm, they should NEVER have put wi-fi in classrooms.

I'm late for work.

Threesome

Calm down, I'm not talking about sex. (For those who wanted me to be talking about sex, sorry!) Today, I found out I lost another 3 pounds this week. I'm waiting on a 3rd set of bar results. My world seems to be revolving around 3's right now. Yes, there is more than just the weight loss and bar results. I'm just hoping that, like my weight loss, my bar results are positive in my life. But since my formatting on this blog isn't cooperating right now, I'm going to cut it short before I throw my laptop across the room. Maybe I could pick it up and throw it three times...

"Worst Case Scenario"

Here's the thing: no good can come from bar results.

Granted, I may be a tad bitter about my most recent set. Maybe. (Sense writer's sarcasm here.) But I wonder what will happen when I pass.

A firm about an hour south and east of where I live has recruited me to fill the gap left by the lawyer who handled most of the firm's employment discrimination practice. I am so flattered and honored. So he asks if I'm still interested in speaking with him. Hell yeah! He also is a mediator, which I LOVE. I would love to eventually transition into a mediation practice. And he could really help guide me with that.

He asked if I still want to speak with him. Uh, yeah! Here's the thing: I won't have bar results for roughly two more weeks (see prior post if you believe I don't know EXACTLY how long it is until I can check the website). I certainly don't want to waste his time. He needs a lawyer, and I'll know in 2 weeks whether or not I can fill his needs. So I told him so.

He said, "even assuming worst case scenario, would you consider working part time while studying?" Ouch. My fears are manifested in his language. What would I do I don't pass again? How could I face my colleagues? How can I face myself?

Not passing is absolutely the worst case scenario. I'm nauseous. Bright side? At least the nausea makes me not want to eat. And since I'm already down 10.5 pounds and counting, a little nausea goes a long way.

13 days, 7 hours, 25 minutes

Yes, I feel obsessed.

Tired

I'm tired lately. I feel like I could sleep forever. It may be a side-effect of my choosing to lose weight.

I hate the terms that are associated with weight loss. Most obvious is the word "loss." I HATE to lose. As a litigator, this is a great (and necessary) trait. I am not a good loser. And "diet?" It sounds too close to "dying." I don't like to feel deprived of anything, and only when I am choosing to deny (also sounds like diet) myself certain foods, amounts, or times of day, do I obsess with it. I just wish there was an easy way , one that wouldn't require exercise or watching caloric intake. Yeah, did I mention I was tired?

I ordered some stuff online. I'm REALLY excited to have the packages coming in. I love getting packages. I should have 3 coming soon. WAY exciting! I love having something to look forward to that is positive. I pray I get positive bar results, but since I don't actually know what is coming, I can't be excited about it. Especially in light of the fact that I've already gotten 2 sets of earth-shatteringly disappointing ones. So please help me try to stay positive. I could really use the encouragement.

I'm not only physically tired, but I'm completely emotionally on edge. And tomorrow my assistant and I get to tell my boss that we screwed up a pleading today by forgetting to attach the exhibit. Realistically, it's no big deal. We just file an errata, point out that it was left out in error, and call it a day. No additional fees, no problems. But he's going to FLIP. I am NOT looking forward to tomorrow. I wish I could stay home, but I need the cash. Suddenly tired again.

Who Woulda Thunk?

Tonight, a woman on something akin to tech support talked slowly to me like I was an idiot. Yeah, she is going to regret taking that tone. What I wanted to say was something like "listen, bitch, I have a JD, and you have so little education that you don't even know what the f**k that means." You should admire my restraint. All I said to her was "and what was your name again?" She hesitated before giving it to me. I think she knows I am the WRONG girl to mess with.

I was thinking this evening about how we all are desperately seeking someone else's approval, be it a boss, a spouse, a child, God, a fitness trainer, whomever. Maybe that's why I was so over the moon about my previous post. I feel like the Supreme Court of that state acknowledged my hard work, my skillfully-crafted arguments, and openly rewarded me. This is not to take away from the work my boss did, but it is very much an accomplishment of which I should be proud. I couldn't have become the "lawyer" that I am without him.

So I was talking with my ex just now. I wanted him to share in my happiness in my recent legal victory. I thought he could use some good news. He couldn't have sounded less enthusiastic than if I told him while he was having a prostate exam. So I called him on it. I told him that he really needs to stop wallowing in self-pity because he's pushing away those people who love him and believe in him. And frankly, I was pissed that his "congratulations" seemed extremely flat and insincere.

He asked me after a very real conversation if he could call me tomorrow. I told him I would answer the phone.

After we hung up, it struck me how much of a dichotomy there was between who I was 10 years ago and today. 10 years ago, I was hospitalized because I didn't want to live. It's not that I wanted to die, necessarily, but I was frustrated and scared and couldn't take much more of my life. Today, I encouraged my ex to be more positive and that I could help him with that if he was interested.

So, my accomplishment tally for the last few days:
1. The state Supreme Court vindicated my client's rights, took a stance against unconscionable arbitration clauses, and reinforced employee rights.
2. I have lost 2.5 pounds this week, which totals 10.5 since I started making an effort (about 3 weeks).
3. It turns out I, at least sometimes, want to be positive and encourage others to also be positive.
4. I've survived my first laser hair-removal treatment.

Ex said that, while it seems that bad things happen in sequence, sometimes good things keep on rolling too. Maybe I already rubbed off on him a little bit. Maybe he just wanted to humor me because he knows how insane and bitchy I'll become until I get bar results. And if I don't pass again, Lord only knows how I'll handle it. I just pray that, this time, I don't have to find out. Here's hoping and praying.

Oh yeah, and I'm TOTALLY excited about tomorrow. I just pray Prop 2 passes, and Props 4 and 8 are shot down like kamikaze bombers.

The Good Fight

You should always fight the good fight. It's worth it. When I was clerking at a boutique plaintiff's firm while in law school, I was fortunate enough to work on a case against a nation-wide gym. It was particularly egregious sexual harassment. The client is a relate-able single mom. This was sexual harassment that made me nauseous, and the harasser was a scary drug user.

Less than 10 years before our case in a much more conservative county, the gym had received a $1.1 million verdict against it for similar acts of sexual harassment. Did they learn? Of course not. Did their defense attorneys find a much better way to deal with harassment that they knew was running rampant (as testified to by a gym-employed HR person)? Nope. They did, however, come up with a way to avoid liability, public recognition of the sexual harassment, and million dollar verdicts. How so? Arbitration.

Pre-dispute, binding arbitration agreements as a condition of employment are not only unconscionable, but also strip individuals of their 6th Amendment rights to a jury and public trial...oh yeah, and ANY kind of appeal. Fair? Hell no! It has been compared to David and Goliath, but taking David's slingshot away. It's referred to as the Repeat Player Effect. Big corporations hire arbitrators who want to be re-hired in the future...but somehow that's not a conflict. And they have high-powered attorneys on payroll ready to make motions to stay and compel arbitration at the drop of a hat.

The EEOC, American Arbitration Association, and JAMS (another national arbitration association, but the I can never remember what the initial stand for), have ALL come out AGAINST these kinds of mandatory, binding, pre-dispute agreements. The EEOC recognizes that arbitration allows for institutionalized discrimination and robs the government of any means of tracking discrimination or enforcing employee rights against those companies.

So this case that I worked on went to arbitration where the arbitrator's decisions and eventual award were so obviously in contradiction to the law, we had to find out where he got his law degree. Turns out he didn't have one. He lied. Defense firm (which was recently bought by one of the world's largest employer-defending firms) lied. The defendants, by and through their counsel, lied. All were found to have committed actual fraud.

For those who don't know, vacating an arbitration award is a standard higher than abuse of discretion. In layman's terms, it's damn-near impossible, hence the reference to David and Goliath.

My former boss and I worked on the motion to vacate with fervor (for several reasons, but primarily because the client had really gotten the short end of many sticks). And when the judge found actual fraud and remanded the case for trial, I was guardedly excited. The appeals court was likely to overturn the decision. But they didn't. And then it was appealed to the Supreme Court of that state, which consists of 9 ultra-conservative Republicans who have a track record of stripping people of their rights. I was terrified they would grant the petition for cert.

But they declined cert on Friday. - WE WON.-

I wept. Not only was this the best thing that could have happened for our client (and it likely means a 7-figure or higher settlement), but it reinforced who I believe I am and what I'm capable of doing. This was the good fight. Most attorneys, knowing what they were up against and the client's inability to pay (contingency case), would have refused the representation. We fought the good fight. And in this shining moment, we actually won. It reminded me that I was born to do this. This is what God has in mind for me. This is who I am.

And I had to wonder...Even though I want so badly to have passed this bar, will I be as happy when that happens? I honestly don't think so because this was not only a reflection of my abilities, but also a vindication of peoples' right to be free from sexual harassment at the workplace, and a giant blow to binding pre-dispute arbitration clauses as a condition of employment. This is so much bigger than just me. My boss and I worked and slaved and fought the good fight.

And we won.

I just hope that I did pass this bar so I can start doing this kind of work as an attorney and not a law clerk. To my former boss's credit, on this case, he treated me like a colleague and not support staff. He valued my opinions, writing, and judgment. And for this, I am extremely grateful. Because of him, I can have some ownership in this outcome. Now I want to do it with a license. I want my signature on the bottom next time.

So please, God, please let me have passed this time. It's the good fight.