So when an online friend of mine posted a comment to this blog (thanks, GP! - see 'View), it got me thinking and made me reflect on my current stage in life. It's been almost a year now since I've been a lawyer and I'm trying to take stock of what I've learned (if anything or maybe I've actually gone backwards), what I've accomplished, who I've helped, and perhaps most importantly why I've done the things I've done.
My co-counsel, with whom I've butted heads with at seemingly every pass but for whom I still have a great amount of professional (and personal) respect, actually took about a half hour of his time and listened to me cry and scream and had a real conversation with me. He was genuinely concerned about me because of a couple things I told him recently that he took very seriously. But he said something that made me kind of curious that I still haven't fully processed. Why is it that we do what we do? If plaintiffs' lawyers can only achieve a monetary remedy for their clients, and defense attorneys can only bill money for their clients, we are all essentially out there for the same thing - money, right? Then what puts us on different sides of the "v"? How do we fall where we do?
I have always wanted such great things for my clients. I have formed bonds with my clients. Many of my male colleagues have talked about how they need to have an emotional distance between themselves and their clients, while every female attorney I've talked to has talked about how she bleeds with her clients. I have yet to talk with a male attorney who said this, and I've yet to talk with a female attorney who talked about the emotional distance, at least in the field in which I practice. I can't accept that the only answer for this is that it's a simple gender divide.
And my co-counsel, again, whose opinion I respect, has told me that these female attorneys have succeeded in this field because they have done so on their terms and not tried to be men or beat the men at their game.
I think the most sage advice I have given myself in this time of reflection is that I need to figure out how to be my own lawyer, how to be myself, how to develop myself because the lawyering stuff will fall into place. I need to focus on how to be complete. In this vein, no pun intended, I am trying to make sure to donate blood on a more regular schedule because it makes me feel more like a complete human being. I'm not going to answer my phone while doing laundry, but instead am going to read my Pretty in Plaid book (by Jen Lancaster, available in bookstores) because she makes me laugh. I'm going to figure out how to have dinner with a man at least once a month (starting out slowly) and wear something cute and/or sexy at that dinner. I already volunteer for a domestic violence project once a month which makes me feel amazing. These may seem to be little things, but by putting them down here, I realize that I haven't done ANY of them, except the date and the DV project. And, by not putting these things as priorities, I've forgotten that I AM A PRIORITY TOO.
So thank you, GP, you fabulous sage. In the words of a favorite female lawyer acquaintance friend of mine, sometimes I feel like I'm an ant carrying a grain of rice. And when that grain of rice falls, it's good to know there are other little ants there with me to help me put it back up on my back so I can keep toiling on.
The reference to ants seems particularly apropos in light of the facts that I have ants in my closet and on my clean clothes and I can't figure out where they're coming from or wtf they're after...
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