New Excuses

When I was in grade school, there was a set of typical excuses for not doing your homework, why a project was late, etc. Tonight, I spoke with my niece who said she couldn't do a piece of her homework because she couldn't get online. Well, my sister (her mother) is one of the last people on the planet who has dial-up. But that's not the problem. My niece says she tried to start the computer, but it froze, so she did a manual shut down. Try to restart? Nope. Can't just go old school and use books? Nope. The teacher requires web addresses. Keep in mind, her entire class was given laptops for each student to use (and take home). Can't connect using the laptop? Nope. It doesn't have a port for a phone line (which I find impossible to believe). What is more likely is that there is no internet connection on her laptop for her to access, as the school probably took it out. "Sorry teacher, the internet was down." Homework excuses have certainly changed since I was a kid. And my sister let her go to a dance competition today and some kind of expo yesterday without nearly a scrap of homework being done. Things are certainly different than when I was a kid.

Last Man Standing

Yesterday, one of my very best friends found out that she passed the AL bar exam. This time around, she put in a good deal of time and effort, and she really deserved to pass. I am over the moon happy for her.

But it got me thinking. I'm the only one in my group of friends who hasn't passed yet. Except, of course, my friend who spent a year abroad working with victims of human trafficking. But other than that, it's just me. No additional pressure now, right? Sure. It's painful and miserable and lonely-feeling. And you know, I really need to get over myself. I have a very well-paying job at which I'm gaining valuable practical experience. I'm able to pay down my debt, I have good friends, and my family loves me (although at times they are the reason I take anti-depressants...okay, the main reason). But I need to start putting things in perspective. I am damned lucky, very blessed. And since there is nothing more I can do about the bar exam now (and yes, results are 55 days from now), I need to just try to ignore the elephant in the room. I need to think about how other things in my life are going pretty well.

So today, I think I'll get a pedicure, maybe wax my eyebrows, and try to remember why it is that I am so lucky instead of always remembering what makes me so nervous about the future that I may have developed an ulcer.

So What?

Every headlining story of every remotely entertainment-based news show lead with Clay Aiken finally admitting he's gay. Um, who didn't know that already? Did he really have to technically "admit" it? And who would consider that news "unbelievably" or "shocking"? Seriously? I would have bet passing bar results that Clay Aiken was gay, and knowing how desperately I'd like to pass, that should tell you what a sure thing bet that would be.

So both of my bestest friends in the whole wide world are having test-related news this Friday. C is getting her Alabama bar results and N is taking her certified financial planner test (and simultaneously getting results). Needless to say, this is not resting well in my already nervous stomach. But I'm trying to take it all in stride. I mean, I'm excited for both of them and pray that both pass their respective life-changing tests. But it just reminds me that I have 59 more days to wait to see if I have life-changing results. Ick. Nausea. So what, right? I already know what it's like to not pass, so hopefully this will be a completely new experience. My goal is to not find out my score. (For those not in the know, when you pass they don't tell you your score. They only give you that gem if you don't pass.)

I wonder if Clay Aiken thought it was "shocking" news. Surely he already knew. It wasn't something that surprised him. And since we ALL already knew, how is this surprising news? Seriously? So what?

I guess I'm shocked that anyone would lead that story and call the news "shocking," but I doubt that was the point of the adjective.

Another Reason Law School Sucks

My stomach hurt so badly last night that I threw up, went into my mom's room, and asked her to take me to the hospital. I like to think I handle pain relatively well, which is why my mom was really freaked out when I asked to go. It felt like that scene from one of the Alien movies where the alien busted out of the person's stomach. And when I got there, the waiting room was filled with happy people, joking, watching tv, etc. I was doubled over and had the nurse give me a puke bucket (which I had to ask for TWICE...I should have just gone ahead and thrown up on the waiting room floor).

It turns out I probably have either a relatively mild ulcer or the stress of everything I have going on right now made my stomach start killing itself with acid. The good news is, after some internet research, I believe that it is a relatively new ulcer, if it is one at all, and sometimes relatively new ulcers can heal on their own.

I absolutely blame law school (which seems to be where most of my health issues began) for this and other things. I blame the board of bar examiners for screwing me in February. And how could the board of bar examiners have the chance to screw me in February? That's right! Law school.

Law school is the root of all evil, as evidenced by the fact that law school costs so damn much money. If you're thinking about law school, think again. It could possibly be one of the most regrettable decisions of your life. On the other hand, it could be an accomplishment of which you can be proud. I just guess I'm feeling as sour as the acid that I can taste in the back of my throat.

Working for a Living

Is there an inherent difference between those of us who work in "executive" or "white collar" positions and those who don't? How is it that people who are "blue collar" somehow feel that they're superior because they may work physically harder?

I work hard (for the most part) for a living. I went to school for what seems like an eternity, and have more educational debt than the average person by FAR. So do most of my friends, since most of my friends are law school buddies.

But when "my guy" told me just now that he gets up every day at 5:30 in the morning and I retorted that doing so was offensive to my non-morning personality, he said something to the effect that people who get up early and do more physical-type labor are somehow more...I don't know...honest? That the work is more honest?

Bite me. I work for my money, and I certainly won't feel badly because I work with my mind more than with the "sweat of my brow." I've gone through more over this education and this profession than most people could ever fathom. I've overcome more obstacles than most people realize. And I think it's unfair and judgmental to cast a shadow of slight on what I choose to do. And that's really all that education gives you: choices. I could choose to do almost anything because of my degree and my education. I find it offensive to me and my accomplishments to somehow judge my profession.

Whatever.

I still found some cute lingerie, finally, and if he doesn't talk smack about lawyers and/or my chosen profession again, maybe he'll get to see them. Maybe. No guarantees. Maybe I'll make him sign an arbitration agreement first, including a confidentiality clause. lol

Fat Girls Need Love, Too

So my mind was wandering and I was thinking about sex. (Yes, I think I was a man in a former life...or I have a very male essence...or maybe it's just been too long.) And my mind got to the scary part of sex, at least for women, which is being seen naked. It's compromising. And any women at one point or another has looked at her naked body and scrutinized every inch, or at least the ones she can see without a three-way mirror. And I've never been naked in front of a man when I'm this weight. And it doesn't help that C has been losing weight like it's butter melting off of her. I hate her just a little bit right now, but then again, she will likely be in the same boat relatively soon.

So I was looking at lingerie online. It's either super skanky, white-trash, bleach blond with black roots models showing disgusting lacy rags, or it's 400 pound girls and you can't get past the buckets and buckets of boobs. I'm fat, but I ain't THAT fat, not even close. Even Frederick's of Hollywood has cut way back on their plus-sized line. What's the deal? Did all the fat girls just stop having sex in lingerie? Stop having sex at all? What the hell happened? Or did the fat girls just stop trying to dress up what they have in exchange for self-consciousness? Not likely.

I don't know what the deal is, but I'm getting more and more nervous about "him" seeing me in a state of undress.

Sorry to those of you (especially CP) who surely did not want to read this entry. But it's a diary, it's online, and it's what is slithering out of my head right now. Give the fat girl a break, alright?!?!

Sweet Dreams

It's after midnight and I'm still awake. This is a rarity. I am generally an early to bed, early to stay in bed half-awake while watching daytime tv. Well, not when I have work. But I don't usually stay up this late unless there's a reason.

Maybe I'm excited about my trip up north. Maybe I'm terrified of it. I just wanted to go to see if there was something worth fighting for rather than just a good friend. When I got the same advice from three women in less than 8 hours, I figured I should think about it and have the conversation I dreaded (which really wasn't that bad).

Note to self: Exhausted, over-stressed, hormonal, overworked, and stressing about bar results AND medical stuff is worse than drunk dialing. At least drunk dialing usually just means overly-forward and flirty. All of the aforementioned elements equals bad judgment and accusations.

And at this point in the night, I'm not sleepy. My body KNOWS it is secretly tired, but I feel like the kid at [insert favorite childhood amusement park here] when it's past bedtime, but you REFUSE to show any signs of tiredness (which, of course, just underscores how tired you really are). Well, I for one am going to give this sleep thing a shot just after "By Your Side" by Sade finishes. I really think this would be the perfect song for some guy to steal my heart with. It even includes the line "I'll tell you you're right when you want...hahahaha." But it's still sweet, and if some guy would tell me I'm right when I need to hear it (need to hear it, not just want to), he would absolutely be the right guy for me.

Anyone know anyone who's looking for a romantic, sweetly-sarcastic, law clerk (hope-to-be soon-to-be-attorney), is financially independent, and who is really a good catch? Yeah, me neither.

Swirly-Headed

I have a million things going on in my head right now. I'm swirly-headed. I've got a ton of stuff going on at work and it's all going to hit the fan tomorrow when my boss comes back from a mini-vacation. I've got discovery that needs to go out tomorrow, we have an ex parte coming up on Wednesday, I've got an arbitration petition that needs to go out but might very well be unnecessary, letters going out, stipulations...oh, and the paralegal put in her 2 weeks notice.

And I obviously said some things I should have said on the phone with "him." Some things I said weren't fair. So today I apologized, which was not easy to do. And I had to tell him something else, which was WAY harder than apologizing. But I had to tell him. And he told me that he understood and forgave me and thanked me for apologizing. Then I started telling him about all my stress and things going on...then I started crying. But, I've decided to go for a face-to-face visit, which I will likely be doing in early October. Now that all my cards are on the table, I feel a bit vulnerable, but isn't that what friendships and relationships are about? Being vulnerable with each other? And by the way, thank you to my two girlfriends who listened through both ends of it.

And I think I want Botox in my jaw to help with my TMJ/teeth grinding. On a particularly stressful day, I'll find that my jaw is aching and I didn't even realize I was clenching. Or on a stressful night, I'll awake almost unable to fully open my mouth from a nighttime of clenching my jaw. Ouch. The upside is that if I can get a Kaiser doctor to diagnose it, the Botox is covered (except, of course, the co-pay) since it's a medical treatment as opposed to cosmetic.

I'm just swirly-headed right now.

What Do You Do When...

What do you do when you're crying and the only people in the world who may conceivably understand what you're going through who also know and love you don't answer their phones?

I'm still working on the answer to that one. I guess the short answer is "blog, since your computer happens to already be on."

So I told him. He is fixated on living in another state. He chose a locale over me. And maybe I'm making a bigger deal over this than I should. I mean, it's not like we're really together at all. But I honestly thought we could make a go of it. But I am stuck in CA because of the Bar. And I believe it's unfair to ask someone to have to go through another bar exam just because that state doesn't offer reciprocity. Knowing the hell I went through not passing and having to re-take it (again), how could someone ask that of me? But, in all fairness, he didn't ask. I kind of wish he would have. At least that might have shown me that he really love me, not just really says it.

And what do you do when your heart feels cracked (aka not fully broken) and none of your friends are answering their phones? Cry some more and go to bed...while watching his favorite baseball team lose.

The Winner Takes it All

I knew I was an Abba fan, and such knowledge was recently cemented when I went to see Mama Mia. Well, the other night in my downloading frenzy (yes, again, it was all LEGAL downloading which I paid licensing fees for), I downloaded some Abba.

Today was a rough day already, and it's only 2o til 2. One of my kitties is sick, and I thought she had died under a bathroom cabinet. Happily, thankfully, she's fine. But it still freaked me out.

I also tried calling my favorite guy to sweetly wake him up this morning but he neglected to answer the phone. I wanted to tell him that I do love him, but when he called me around noon from the grocery store, it just wasn't the right time.

I'm just in a funk, probably induced by a combination of forgetting my pills yesterday, him not answering my call, the weather still being gray since yesterday, my sick kitty, etc. So I started listening to The Winner Takes it All, and welled up. It isn't easy to await bar results no matter where you are. Sometimes you don't even realize that your stress is bar-related until you realize that it's a bit irrational. Kind of similar to PMS predicting your period through irrational crying spells and chocolate binges.

Anyway, my favorite guy said to me on the phone last night that he wished so badly that he could help me or do something to help me have passed this time. It was admittedly sweet sentiment, but the problem is that I don't want it to be from anyone's help. I've worked for my entire life for this goal. I was born to be a lawyer. And at this final moment, I want the combination of my blood, sweat, and tears, along with the guidance and teaching I've received along the way to result in ME being the winner. Isn't it my time? When do I get to be THAT girl?

Download Frenzy

Since Shoe Frenzy was this weekend, I figured the rest of my week/month/any length of time should resemble a frenzy. Or maybe it just happened that way. Or maybe it was a grand design.

Whatever.

So I downloaded 18 songs tonight ranging from Sade to Dixie Chicks, Melissa Etheridge to Dolly Parton. I even downloaded Mr. Big and Johnny Cash. Eclectic? Hell yes. Me? Completely.

Oh yeah, and Shoe Frenzy is where a bunch of designers donate a bunch of pairs of shoes to help Women's Clinic. Something like 97% of the money for the shoes goes to help Women's Clinic. So I went a little nuts and bought 5 pairs of shoes. I only have buyer's remorse over one of them, but I'm still not entirely sure yet. But no woman can have too many purses or shoes. And the proceeds go to help protect women's reproductive rights, access to health care, and even access to mental health care. I'm doing what Bush can't, and all I had to do was buy too many pairs of shoes.

Off to listen to my newly downloaded (LEGALLY) music. I even paid for it. The last thing I need is a virus, or the Bar determining that I don't have a good moral character after all and revoking my positive determination. Irony in the wording? Not likely, not if you know me.

Yes, It HAS Been 100 Years...

Sorry I haven't blogged. Honestly, I haven't felt much like taking out my laptop, setting it up, fighting with my cats, etc.

What you've missed lately:
1. My trip to Vegas for a lawyers convention. Two big "ups" were seeing two of my favorite lawyers, one of which wants me to pass the bar so he can see if I can finally come work for him. Ever since I did my "due diligence" on him and his firm when I interviewed there a year ago I wanted to work there. And the other was someone I've known from college who is likewise amazing. And there was a cocktail party where I had to wear a black and white checkered wristband. I had to think of the last time I wore won, and I flashed back to college again. I needed to then make a beeline for the bar. I drank a touch much, but it's Vegas! Oh, and I'll blame the cocktails for bidding $1350 on a pair of world series tickets. It was fun, but I was admittedly lonely and additionally bummed out about failing the bar. Please Lord, I need to have passed this time. PLEASE!! ?? please?

2. The new "paralegal" at my office broke down in tears acknowledging to my assistant that she's overwhelmed by the job, knows she's never been on time once, is stressed out by her mom visiting from Europe, etc. It gave me validation that I AM good at my job and that I did deserve a raise. It also made me sad because I want so much to help her, but what she needs isn't help, it's a lot more training than I can provide. I mean, what paralegal doesn't know how to research on Westlaw? I want it to work out, and I wish the best for everyone. But it's not my job (and hence, I can't bill for the time) to train her. Especially with stuff that she really should have known by now.

3. A firm in the area in which I want to practice just emailed me and asked if I was still looking for a job. I'm over the moon about the prospect of getting back into that field, but I KNOW it'll mean a pay cut. And I feel like Judas with Coach bags instead of silver pieces. It's like I've sold my principles to a defense firm in exchange for my brand new Kate Spade purse, 2 new Coach bags, 5 new pairs of shoes...I really AM the devil who wears Prada. Well, not Prada. But you get the gist.

4. My grandmother turned 81 on Saturday, and I'll call her this week to wish her a happy birthday. I just want to give her some time to recuperate from the weekend of casino hopping they just did with my aunt and uncle.

5. I have a current favorite author! Her name is Jen Lancaster, and the book is "Such a Pretty Fat." She even called someone an "a$$hat," which is a joke only one of you will understand, and the reason she understands is because I told her it sounds just like HER voice in the book. The only reason I know it's not her is because she'd never have dogs and leather couches. Nearly everything else is a perfect match.

Now that you've read my mini-novel, I hope you humor me and enjoy the tidbits I will continue to post even if sporadically.

Have a fabulous day!