Who Else Has Had Enough?

It seems that everywhere I go, I hear my mother's favorite Christmas song. Feliz Navidad. It's almost as annoying as...wait...I can't think of ANYTHING more annoying than that stupid song. It reminds me of the USC fight song. It's the same 3 notes over and over again. And that song says the same 9 words over and over and over and over again.

As Christmas approaches, I get more and more ready for it to be over. Work is really slow right now, which means I'm not making nearly as much money as I'd like, and it gives me more time to hear 24 hours of Christmas music. I have to wrap my gifts, but other than that, I'm pretty ready for Christmas to be here and done with already.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in God, and especially this year, I am 100% certain He's been working in my life. I mean, how else do you explain me passing the bar this time? But my religion is generally private. And I have to wonder how many of these songbirds on the radio actually have a relationship with the God they're singing about. Especially like Whitney Houston. I mean, how faithful and religious can you be when you've got a coke habit?

Anyway, I'm just ready for it to be over, you know what I'm saying?

Retail Therapy

My fabulous niece and I are going to see Wicked tomorrow night. I'm overjoyed! I'm excited about the opportunity to get all dressed up, get my nails done, maybe get my hair did (a la Missy Elliot...never mind).

I have big feet. I wear an 11, which really sucks. Most shoes at Macy's only go up to a 10. Yes, I've considered breaking my foot just so that they could take some bone out and make them smaller. But then I thought about permanently disabling myself, constant pain, and the inability to wear cute shoes ever again, and I scratched that plan.

Tonight, whilst at DSW (which is one of my favorite shoe stores!), I found a way cute pair of heels. They aren't super high, maybe 3 inches or so, and they have cute little ruffles down the top of my foot. If anyone else is an incessant Carrie Bradshaw fan, they are similar to the ones Carrie wore when she went out with Big when Miranda went into labor. Except mine are black and hers were pink. I also probably paid maybe 10% of what hers cost.

Christmas is the season when most legal work slows down. While eviction law is hot right now, even that slows down around Christmas. No one wants to be the *sshole that kicks someone out of their home or business around Christmas. And rightfully so. But, since I'm paid by the hour, it SUCKS for me. I billed a whopping 6 minutes today. Tomorrow, I'll be lucky to get 3 hours billed. And next week? Company party, Christmas Eve and Day, and we get Friday off...I might bill 8-12 hours if I'm lucky. This check is going to SUCK. I hope my bonus is enough to tide me over.

Anyway, I don't know why, but it makes me feel better to buy things after a day of no working. Maybe it makes me feel like I accomplished something. Maybe it disrupts the boredom. Who knows? Either way, I'm proud to be doing my part to stimulate the economy!

Expensive

Being a lawyer is expensive. I'm going to get insurance through a company that has a graduated premium for the first few years of practice. Year one is $500. Otherwise, it would be something like $3,000-$4,000 per year. Cost prohibitive? Yep.

Dues are $410 for the state bar. The piece of paper with the gold seal from the CA Supreme Court is another $69, plus I have to buy a frame.

I also just bought a PO box so that my home address wouldn't be available for everyone to see on the state bar's website. Since I don't yet have an office address, I can't have it sent there.

I'm also going to get business cards made up. Those will be pricey, I'm sure.

While it's expensive, I'm still overjoyed about finally being a lawyer. Today, I made an agreement with a friend who's been practicing for about 6 years. I'm going to co-counsel with him on 2 cases. I'm so excited! First client meeting is a week from today. And I'll get to sign my own filings, my own letters, my own almost everything. It makes me nervous, but the nerves are a touch reassuring. I mean, if I wasn't nervous, it would mean I was overly confident. While I believe I'm competent, I know there is a LOT that I don't know. And it's very reassuring that I'm working with such an amazing attorney who REALLY knows what he's doing. He has such a great reputation in the community for his precision.

I'm also getting a payoff statement on my car. With any kind of luck, I'll have the title before the end of the year.

Here's hoping the rest of my day goes as smoothly!

Frozen

We don't have heat in my house. Yes, I know, I can hear the roar of moans and groans saying that I should count my lucky freaking stars that I'm in Southern California. Sure. Okay. I get it.

While in law school, I remember dreading the idea of driving anywhere in the snow, especially since I lived on a hill and my ghetto city only had 2 snow ploughs and seemed to do my street last. I hated piling on a shirt, sweater, jacket, gloves, hat, scarf (or multiple scarves), snow boots, etc. just to get some freaking milk. I hated having to kick my boots together just to get back into my car. I hated scraping and brushing the snow and ice off my windshield. Why did I choose to live in CA? If this doesn't tell you, I don't know what would.

Anyway, I get that it is WAY colder in many other regions of our great nation. But most of them have heat.

We haven't had heat in my house in years. And I'm currently sleeping with a sheet, a thermal cotton blanket, a thick fleece blanket, AND a comforter but am still cold. It's getting into the low 40's at night. And for a girl who has no heat, sh*tty windows (that were original to the house built in the 50's), and old insulation, it's damn cold.

The upside is that the gorgeous 2 dozen white rose bouquet that my boss bought me for the "I passed the Bar, beeyoches!" celebration will keep nicely in here. Hell, they'll probably last longer in the ice box that is my bedroom than they would in my office.

Also, I checked my name on the state bar's site. They transposed 2 letters of my name and got my phone number wrong. It's a good thing I typed the card instead of using handwriting! Who knows what else might have been wrong!?!? I called, and they asked for my bar number. It was the first time I ever gave it, and it was to correct sloppy mistakes made by the bar itself. It was still a proud and kinda cool moment. It's official. I'm a LAWYER!

Off to have some fun! Have a fabulous and safe weekend!

Careful What You Wish For

It just occurred to me that that sentence is grammatically incorrect. Funny how such a saying has such widespread use despite its structure.

It is quite possible that I am sleep deprived.

I went looking at properties today. If I really suck it up, save my money, pack my lunches, make my dinners, and cut the fat (both literally and figuratively!), I might be able to swing a modest mortgage. I want my own space, my own place. I mean, for goodness sake! I'm nearly 28 (my birthday is next month...the gift list is available upon request), I'm a lawyer (which is still really freaking cool to say), and I'm currently making pretty good money. Oh yeah, and I really want my own space!

A friend of mine has her own apartment, but her mother moved in with her. She's about 8 years older than me, but she's going through the same frustrations. Hers are actually amplified because they are both in the same apartment 24/7. I have another friend (male friend) who also lives at home, though it doesn't seem to bother him at all. Maybe he just crushes up sedatives in his parents' beverages. Hmm. Something to think about. LOL

But seriously, it's cool to think about moving into a place of my own, having something that is really mine. We saw a 1.15 million dollar home today. My mom was saying how she could live on the first floor, I could live on the second, and the third floor could be my office. Um, that really wasn't the point of the excursion today. The young lawyer is the one who wants and needs her OWN place. And if we bought a house together, I'd be locked in until she died! Especially one that expensive.

But getting back to the heading. I desperately wanted to pass the bar and become an attorney. Now that I am one, I'm being hit with the harsh realities that attorneys can't find jobs. What am I supposed to do? I certainly can't afford an office, malpractice insurance, Lexis or West, electricity, etc. If I did that, there's no freaking way I could get my own place. So what am I supposed to do? Any suggestions are appreciated.

Hurting

I know that the economy is severely in trouble, and that people don't have jobs like we once did. It sucks. Obama and Biden really have their jobs cut out for them, and I have to wonder if Bush and his cronies did everything they could to drive the economy further and further down in an attempt to make Obama look bad. It could possibly be a crazy conspiracy theory, but a theory nonetheless.

The firm I REALLY wanted to work at isn't hiring right now. Grumble. The firm that found my resume on a law group's website decided not to hire another associate after all because the hourly clients aren't paying and the contingencies aren't coming in like they once did. Ouch.

I'm really lucky to have the job I do, but my boss is trying to push me out of the nest so I can spread my attorney wings and fly. I'd be happy to! Know anyone who's hiring?

I'm meeting with my former college professor for lunch today. Hopefully he'll be able to kick some attorney work in my direction. But since I know times are tight for all of us, who knows? I'm just scared, and I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I Don't Know

I don't know about the recommendation made by the person in the most recent comment. But I posted it in case it could be helpful to anyone. I make no guarantees, representations, warranties, etc. about anything.

Bar Graders, Revisited

Thank you for your comments. Since there are some interested in whatever input I may have to offer, I will continue posting tips as they creep their way into my consciousness.

Another question about Bar Graders was how thorough is the feedback, and do they hold you accountable for not doing essays?

First, the feedback is EXCELLENT. It is specific and precise. My friend asked me the same question, and followed up with "what if I don't understand their comment?" It never happened to me. They (the graders) know that the BarBri type of feedback ("no!" or "ok") is the exact opposite of helpful. They are very specific. And they are very detailed as they evaluate each issue separately.

Since they offer a free seminar (check their website) for debriefing the most recent test, I highly recommend you go. If you go, they may give you a discount on your purchase. And it's good to see how their program works. They also offer you a free essay review (one) if you sign up. Try one. You can see what the feedback is like for free. Certainly no harm.

They also offer phone tutoring, but I think it's a bit pricey. I never tried it, so I can't tell you the value of it, but I couldn't afford it even if I wanted it. I did, however, go to their essay seminar, which I HIGHLY recommend.

Second question: how much do they keep you accountable for doing essays? Answer: they don't. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, so I apologize if it does. You're studying for the BAR exam. It's not something you can "wing" and hope to skate by. Unless you pay someone to hold you accountable, no one will. If you are the kind of person who needs that kind of attention, I recommend finding a personal tutor. If you can't afford that, I recommend having a good friend hold you accountable.

My friend C (male), the second time I took it, offered to take me to dinner for every simulated MBE that I passed. (I don't remember what score I had to get, but I think it was something like 135.) My other friend C (female) and I talked almost every day. Since she and I were studying at the same time (although for different states), we would tell each other our status, ask each other questions, and she asked how many essays I had done that week. I needed that kind of support. I need reinforcement and encouragement. It also helped this last time that I was working part time and studying the rest of the time in my office. My assistant would ask me what subjects I was working on, remind me that my half day of work was over and that I needed to study, etc.

So I guess I was lucky all the way around. I was lucky to have such amazing friends to support and encourage me. I was lucky to have the option of working part time, studying in my office, and have an assistant who would keep me on task. Mostly I was damn lucky to have had the essay subjects on the bar, since most of what I do at the office is real property, contracts, and remedies. I killed those essays. Hence, I was lucky.

I believe that Bar Graders is absolutely worth it, and the earlier you start the better. I wish someone had told me during the summer after my first year of law school that I should start studying for the bar. I wish someone would have been honest and upfront with me about what the bar exam is like. While it is possible to pass from only studying for the 2 months after graduation, why kill yourself that whole time? Why not have a MBE course over the summer? Or just work with a good MBE book?

You need some sort of substantive course at some point, for which I recommend Bar Passers. For those who believe BarBri is the only way to go, go ahead. It wasn't for me. And if you're a BarBri snob, relax. Bar Passers is owned by West, as is BarBri. Hence, the material is extremely similar but packaged and taught differently. I think it was far more effective. Oh yeah, and it's less expensive.

Next? Bar Graders for essays. See above and prior posts.

Lastly? John Holtz. I firmly believe (though have no way of knowing for certain) that I passed both of these PT's as a direct result of his teachings. And, he's worth the money, especially if you can get the group discount by getting some friends together. Also, I think he has a "don't pass, don't pay" policy, though I can't recall since it didn't apply to me because it is only for first time takers. But you can't hold me to it.

Mostly, I think you need to indulge your inner sense of intellectual superiority. My male friend C's mantra was "it's an insult to my intellect!" I was more of a song person. "I'm going home, gonna load my shotgun, wait by the door and light a cigarette. He wants a fight, well now he's got one, and he ain't seen me crazy yet. Slapped my face and shook me like a rag doll, don't that sound like a real man? I'm gonna show him what little girls are made of: gun powder and lead." The bar has a special way of knocking you down and making you feel inferior. You need to find a way to beat it. Mantras, shotgun songs, whatever works. The trick is finding what works. Easier said than done.

Gotta run. I have to get ready for my swearing-in ceremony this morning! Yeah!

I Swear

I am a bit disappointed that the CA swearing-in oath consists of only one sentence, and is remarkably similar to the oath you take when you get a passport. Hmm.

I have my suit picked out and am going to wear fabulous shoes that I recently bought and broke in. I'm also going to wear makeup for the first time in ages. Subtly is key.

So today I am getting my hair cut and my eyebrows done, as well as some laser "work." (Sorry, male friend C!) I've only had one treatment so far, but I am already missing patches of hair. I really think that's great! I can't wait to be finished. I'm also very excited about having numbing cream this time. LOL

I don't know how I want to wear my hair at my swearing-in. I'm thinking an updo, but I'm not sure if I want a bun or something akin to a clipped French twist.

I guess I'm going to try to get my day/weekend going now. I also have to do laundry, I wanted to try to empty my car, I want to go to my office and get some work done (mediation on Tuesday, but I'll happily be at my swearing-in ceremony), and I want to list my bar study books on Ebay.

Oh! If anyone is interested in buying my books, I have BarBri books, BarPassers books, PMBR books, another MBE book by Emmanuel, PMBR cd's, and outlines. I'll be putting them on Ebay soon, but I'll make the first offer to you. For everything mentioned above, I'd like $500. Make me an offer! If you'd like the above but not the whole thing, make me an offer on one or more.

The Real Holiday

I'm not huge on Thanksgiving, but this year was admittedly a bit different. I could not be more thankful that I finally passed the Bar. But it was still just another day of family turmoil and more drama than is ever necessary. Who would have thought that a holiday centering around food would piss people off so much?

I am a Black Friday shopper. I like the idea of good deals, but not nearly as much as I love the idea of being done with holiday shopping in 1 day. I have a lot of errands to run today, one of which is buying a Blackberry. I went to my local T-Mobile store where I was doubly disappointed. First, if I was a "new customer" instead of "an upgrade customer," my phone would have been free. WTF? Especially considering companies are going under because their customers can't pay their bills, I would think they'd rather keep their customers who pay their bills in full every month and on time. Second, they only had the phone in red. I'm not a fan of red except in very particular instances of lipstick. Where should I go to get the "titanium" colored phone? The mall. Are you nuts? I just escaped the mall and escaped with my life! Now you want me to go back? Maybe tomorrow.

Black Friday is the real holiday for me. I bought shirts for 5 bucks, designer purses for 10 bucks, a nice fleece blanket for 19, etc. I made out like a bandit! Problem? I still don't have anything for my dad. I think it may be okay though, since I'd like to take him to Vegas or Cooperstown (Baseball Hall of Fame) or Graceland. I'm just not sure I'll be able to afford it this year. So I'll have to think on whether or not I want to buy him something or give him an IOU. Any suggestions?

No?

I haven't heard from anyone telling me that they think any advice or comments that I make regarding the Bar are helpful. Thus, I'll give it another week. If I don't hear from anyone, I'll take my blog in a new direction.

Approaching the Exam

BarBri tells you that you need to ace the essays and be average on the MBE and PT. I think this is the wrong approach. I think that if you've graduated law school, you are capable of writing a 60-65 point essay on almost any subject. What did you never do in law school? An assload of multiple choice questions and performance tests. If you build yourself enough of a cushion on the MBE and PT, it is okay if you miss an issue or two over the 6 essays. And the MBE and PT skills are FAR easier to master than essay skills, especially since your essays are being graded by people who wonder what the hell BarBri is telling their students such lies for. And the MBE only has 6 subjects for you to study, while you have to study ALL essay subjects to get good. Aside from the horrible formatting (sorry, my site is acting up at present), is this kind of thing helpful? If so, I'll keep giving some tips that I wish to God someone had told me a year or two ago. If not, I'll move on from bar tips. Also, anyone who passed, please feel free to comment and tell me whether or not you agree and if you have tips of your own.

Why Bar Graders Continued

I very much valued the in-class time, and think that the essays were the perfect compliment and practical element. But the in-class people are excellent, willing to answer your questions, and will talk to you in a real way. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have taken BarBri. Ever. It's a ripoff for anyone who doesn't learn effectively on their own. I would recommend Bar Passers as a substantive course (my score went up by 50 raw points), and, if you can afford it, at least 20 essays and one in-class Bar Graders seminar. It may be overkill, but I would also throw in the John Holtz class.

Why BarGraders?

Thank you to those who read my blog who are fellow bar sufferers. I recently received a comment on the perks of Bar Passers. So here goes...

With Bar Passers, you can buy a package of essays. The website is set up for first time takers and repeaters. However, since I didn't feel I needed 40 essays (for repeaters), I called and they said that I could sign up for 20, and I only needed to sign in through the first-timers page.

I heard about the course when I failed the second time. I can't recall if it was a mailing or something else. But I attended their free exam review session, which was filled with a bunch of people who needed more help than these people could give. Some people were asking SHOCKINGLY stupid questions. But I stuck it out until later than I had planned. And for attending, I got a 10% discount code for any purchases I made.

I bought 20 essays and a 2-day essay course. (I think it was 2 days, but it may have been 3. I can't remember.) They offer a PT course as well, but I still advocate John Holtz for the PT.

During the in-class essay course, they went over specific things they were looking for when they were actual graders. They demystified the process. They also clued you in to the things that they want, a large part of which is in direct contradiction to what BarBri tries to preach. Me? I wanted to do whatever it was the graders were looking for, and I don't care what BarBri's 70% market share was doing.

On the 20 essays, I admit that I didn't use all of them, and I didn't do subjects that I thought were extremely unlikely for this bar exam. I did, however, do at least 1 in any subject I thought was possible and 2 in my weaker subjects.

You sign onto the website and you have the option of choosing the subject of your essay or having the system choose at random. I never picked at random. I figured it would be more productive for me to perform essays in the subjects I had just studied in an attempt to cement the concepts in essay form.

You pick your essay, then they give you 3 minutes to print it, then it is a timed essay that you have to do online. Once you're done, you submit it or you run out of time and it submits it for you.

About 1-2 days later, they email you that it's ready for review. The feedback is excellent. They break down the IRAC for each issue you spotted. You also have the ability to look at a model answer, which is immensely helpful. They generally make a comment or two per paragraph, but the feedback they give both tells you (1) what you did wrong, and (2) how to fix it. BarBri will forever tell you that you suck, and write "no!" on your essays, if they ever give them back to you. (A year later, I'm still waiting for the last essay I turned in.) The "how to fix it" is extremely helpful, as I just needed someone to tell me how to fix what I was doing wrong. For the most part, I hit all the issues, so I couldn't figure out why my essays averaged about 60.

Seattle

I often hate to admit when other people are right, especially when I so badly want to be right.

Two of my best girlfriends have both suggested (in a supportive manner) that I stop torturing myself and re-evaluate my relationship with my ex. This ex told me that he would call me "every day this week" after I told him that I was so freaked out about the bar. He called on Sunday of last week and promised a call and a text the next day. It was the last time we spoke.

The real Capricorn in me REFUSES to call him. Why should I? He lied to me. He told me he was going to do something, knowing full well that I needed his support, asked for his support, and explained why...and he didn't do it.

It seems like every time I want something from him or that he tells me he'll do something, I'm always disappointed. It made me think about my relationships with my friends. While we're all human, for the most part, my friends are extremely loyal and follow through on the things they say. My ex? Exact opposite. What kind of friendship is it if I'm constantly being let down? Answer? It's not.

This seems to really be my deal breaker. He knew the hell I went through when I didn't pass last time. And I completely understand that he has a lot going on right now, but that's no excuse to make a promise of friendship and support and then fail to call for over a week.

I got more support from people I just IM with.

Moral of the story is that I think I'm finally wising up. Enough may actually be enough this time. I should focus on my fabulous friends, the ones who are actual friends, who act like friends. I need someone to constantly let me down like I need a fractured skull.

Do Over

NRG,
Thanks for reading my blog and for the unwavering support you gave me. Your tests are in a different field, but are just as capable of killing your spirit as the Bar. Thank you for being a friend, and we will work out another time to celebrate our respective fabulosity.
Sorry for miscommunication last night.
Love you!

Mixed Feelings

I still don't know how I passed. Only 27% of repeaters passed this July. I am extremely grateful that I passed and humbled by the experience. There are two of my fellow sufferers who are very bright and capable who didn't. I'm shocked that they didn't.

It makes me reflect on the recent fires out here in So CA. The fire would make its way through neighborhoods, sometimes burning EVERYTHING in its path, homes, pets, cars, etc. Sometimes, however, the fire would skip over certain homes and burn everything else, leaving some homes inexplicably untouched. That's how I feel about this bar exam. I was burned twice before but was inexplicably spared this time, while my neighbor and a friend got burned.

There's no rhyme or reason. I wasn't better prepared. I don't possess any superior knowledge. Frankly, I was reflecting on why I assumed that I failed. I missed a major issue on two different essays, one of which was even in the call of the question. I am sure that I also blew that executive powers essay, but I was probably spared by collective ignorance on that one. And the MBE seemed inordinately difficult this time. I would have bet money that I failed and my friend would have passed.

I am still over the moon about passing. I am so grateful to those who helped me, supported me, encouraged me. I am so blessed and believe I will be one hell of an attorney. But I am hurting for my friends because I know their pain.

I have no words of wisdom, no inside track. I think that's obvious and demonstrated by the fact that I failed twice. The only thing I can do is say what I did this time:

(1) Bar Graders essays. They give great and detailed feedback. They also were actual graders, so they can tell you what they were actually looking for, unlike BarBri, Bar Passers, etc. I highly recommend them, since they tell you tips that are NOT what BarBri is telling you. It may be the reason I passed. If I had to guess, I would say that their tips are what made the difference. Even if you don't do the graded essays, go to at least one of their seminars. I believe it's worth the money.

(2) Practical experience. Since working at a commercial real estate firm, I gained practical experience on both contracts and real property. I got lucky that they were both on the bar this time. The thing is, this is difficult to get. However, most attorneys are relatively sympathetic and have some insight to offer into your writing. So even if you don't have a job where you constantly write on your weakest subject, network or reach out to alumni who would be willing to take a look at some of your essays and/or show you some of their argumentative briefs where they lay out the law. I think this also proved invaluable.

(3) Relieve your stress at night. Do whatever puts your mind at ease the night before and each night of the bar exam. Watch tv, play a board game, computer games, hot bath, "self-attention," whatever works. I also spent about 1 hour reviewing my notes the night before. I know everyone says not to do that, but it is what put my mind at ease. I knew I was doing everything I could do without making myself nuts. My friend C went over her entire outline the night before the bar (in Alabama). It worked for her. But do whatever you have to do to force your body to relax because you can't do it on your own.

(4) Go ahead and cry. I cried, I was frustrated, and this time, I decided to let myself feel everything I was going to feel. Frankly? I was robbed last time. I deserved to pass last time. This time? I didn't study as much, as hard, or as frequently. I let myself mourn and pout and cry and whine. I also let myself come back with a vengeance. I did everything that I thought would push me over to the other side of the line. I was honest with my weaknesses and I exploited my strengths.

(5) John Holtz, not to be confused with Lou Holtz. He's the PT guru in California. I am contractually bound not to disclose his tips, but I think that they are extremely valuable. They saved me time, they helped me structure, and they helped me pass. And it's relatively moderately priced.

(6) Know that the world will still turn, the cats will still purr, the tide will still come in, and that you are superior to most of the rest of the state/country both in intellect and drive. I maintained a healthy superiority complex while preparing for the bar (which was no small feat considering I failed twice). But even when I had to fake my confidence, it still helped me attack the bar. I didn't spend time second guessing all of my MBE answers. It also helped with the essays and PT's by my checking to make sure each essay had everything I think it needed to blow the graders away. Don't focus on what you don't know or can't recall because it will shake your confidence and not accomplish anything. Bolster the rest of your arguments instead of dwelling on what you don't know.

(7) Prayer and luck. You can never have enough of either.

This post was much longer than I anticipated when I started writing. I hope that it was helpful, and please don't hesitate to ask me anything. If I can help, I'd love to. The euphoria you feel when you pass is intoxicating, and I want others to share that.

Sound Sleep

As you can imagine, I didn't sleep well over the last week. Constantly on the verge of tears, I was terrified. My nerves were on the sharp edge. I jumped at everything.

Last night, I celebrated with my family at a local restaurant that has special meaning to me. It is where we celebrated my college graduation. It is where my father took me for dinner after the first time I sat for the bar (a year ago now). And the owner is an upbeat (but not annoyingly so), encouraging guy. Since we've been going there since I was young, he knew what was going on with me. So it kind of brought things full circle when I went there to celebrate last night.

And I had a LOT of champagne. I earned it!

I got home, brushed my teeth, and climbed into bed. I finally slept, REALLY slept. I awoke around 6:30ish this morning (yes, it's really early), but I immediately felt better. I was refreshed, replenished. More than that, I was VINDICATED. I finally have been welcomed into the fellowship that I've been desperately trying to become a part of for years. I finally slept well, deep sleep, dream sleep.

The feeling of passing was overwhelming and intense. My niece (who is 12) was with me last night. I entered my applicant and file number and let her click to check the results. It looked different than last time. We screamed and hugged each other. I hugged her so hard she could barely breathe. I immediately wept. I re-read it. I made her re-read it to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. My name is on the pass list.

I am still a bit in shock, but it's a pleasant feeling. Vastly different than the overwhelming fear and doubt I felt for the past year.

And it's awesome to know that I have an associate justice of the court of appeal who is willing to swear me in. I am absolutely going to take him up on it. It's special, and this is the most special thing that has ever happened to me.

It felt good to not cry myself to sleep. I finally won.

Hell Yeah, Bitches!

Just call me Esq., thank you very much!

Congrats to those who did. It is an unbelievable feeling.

To those who didn't, I feel your pain better than I wish I did. But perseverence pays off, so please take the weekend, mourn your loss, and face your demon, and you can do it. I belive in you, too!

Thanks

Thank you to everyone who is wishing me well. I apologize for not visiting your sites, but it usually ended in a panic attack (see last post), so I've avoided it.

I'm holding up better than expected today, so far at least. I hope you are too. And prayerfully, hopefully, cosmically (?) we'll all pass because we are capable, competent attorneys. Keep up the good work, keep the "faith," and we can get through this together.

Best of luck, and I appreciate your kind words and support more than you know.

The Other "F" Word

A guy from the office suite next to ours told me that he has faith that I passed. He's also the one who asked me whether or not I pray (which I find to be quite a personal question, but whatever).

So I was thinking about faith today. And yesterday while I was crying hysterically and having a small-scale panic attack in my car on the drive home. FYI, it's NEVER a good idea to have a panic attack accompanied by a hysterical crying session during rush hour traffic on the busiest street in the city.

It's not that I don't have faith in God. I do. I believe that He guides me in many of my decisions. And He and I have conversations on a regular basis, although I do most of the talking.

It's faith in myself that I lack. And if you "pfft" at that statement, you've obviously never taken a bar exam. I really thought I passed last time. I had faith that I did. And I was robbed. It was more devastating than almost anything I can imagine. It shook my faith in myself, my abilities, my life, who I am, what I want to do, and whether or not I would be good at it. And when you go through something like that, especially twice, and then have to face it again for a third (and hopefully LAST) time, you have to understand how low I feel.

Maybe my panic attacks (yes, plural) are my psyche's self-defense mechanism. Or maybe they're a manifestation of my greatest fears realized. It is also possible I'm overreacting, but I sincerely doubt that is the case.

I'm just f*cking terrified that I didn't pass again. I really don't know how I would handle it. And I'm still considering staying in my office until it's time to check so that I can have my reaction to whatever news I get to be private. Maybe I need that. Maybe I should be at home. Who knows at this point? I'm just so utterly scared, and I don't know how to stop.

Thank you to everyone who has wished me well, who have taken my frantic calls, who have listened to me cry, and who likewise desperately want this for me. Please try to keep the faith in me, regardless of the outcome.

Alone

I'm going to get my bar results alone this time. First time, my mom was there. And she was useless. I don't want to talk about it.

Second time, I had my BFF C on the phone. We're still trying to decide which one of us was more shocked to see that I hadn't passed. I think it might actually be her, since every time she and I spoke (when I picked up the phone, that is), I had been studying. I averaged about 7-10 hours per day. It was unholy. And I am still pissy at those people who say that God had a lesson for me to learn when I failed, especially by the minuscule margin that I did. (For those who don't know, I missed passing by .00085 out of 2000 points. Yes, it sucks worse than you thought.)

So I'm facing this demon alone this time. Wish me luck!

Required Reading

For the past four years, not only have I had to deal with the the wake of disaster Bush left for America, I've been stunted from doing a lot of the things that used to bring me such joy. I realized the other day, as I neared the end of Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster, that I hadn't finished a book that didn't have case captions in it in the last four years. I mean, I've read magazines, parts of books, but have been unable to stick to a book long enough to finish.

Today, I finished Bitter. I LOVED it. She's my new favorite author. And I related to it, as I imagine many who read this blog could.

The book is a "memoir" about her being a superficial label-whore VP at a large company who got laid off after September 11th. She was out of work for 2 years, and her new husband also got let go during that window. They lost their fabulous apartment, she had to sell her purses (which is unfathomable!), and almost got evicted from her non-fabulous apartment. The biggest thing I could relate to is the rejection and being forced to re-evaluate your life.

If you can't figure out the similarities, you're either blissfully ignorant or you've never tried to do something challenging.

Either way, anyone who has been kicked when they were down, and subsequently kicked when they tried to get back up again, Bitter is the New Black should be required reading.

I'm also reading Such a Pretty Fat, and will be next reading Bright Lights, Big Ass. I also am an immediate fan of her blog: www.jennsylvania.com. It'll tide me over when I've finished her 3 currently-published books.

Going to try to not be fixated on Friday...wish me luck! Have a great weekend.

$4,500,000

Approximately 10,000 sit for the July bar exam every year. To sit (and take it on your laptop), you have to pay approximately $650. This does not include any bar prep courses, books, hotel, food, etc. "They" say that $100 of everyone's fees goes to the multi-state portion of the exam. Another approximately $100 goes for using your laptop. So let's say that every person who sat for the bar exam gave roughly $450 for their exam to be proctored, shipped to Northern California, and graded. Please keep in mind, the average essay gets graded in 2-3 minutes, and the average performance test gets graded in about 5 minutes. Assuming that three of the essays and one of the performance tests gets re-graded, that works out to roughly 45 minutes.

I paid four hundred and fifty f*cking dollars for forty five minutes of your time, ten damned dollars PER MINUTE, and the best they can do is FOUR FREAKING MONTHS?!!?!?!?

We, collectively, have willingly paid roughly $4,500,000, and the best they can do is four months? What the hell is the deal? This is bad business. It's no wonder that we all went to law school. For the most part, we are not great at math. We collectively have other talents. But has anyone else done this math? Has anyone else figured out that this is a freaking racket? It's a money-making proposition. Anyone else wonder why the passage rate is so low and there is NO appeal process? Answer? The bottom line. There is profit from our failure.

Is it possible that I'm getting more insane by the minute? I'd bet on it. Frankly, I have a $160,000 bet riding on me eventually passing this damn thing. People wonder why I like Vegas? Other than being America's adult playground (and there are generally fewer children than say, my next door neighbors that have been kicking a ball against our wall for the entire time I wrote this post), it is a place where you dream that the impossible could actually happen. And even if you lose a couple hundred bucks gambling, it's a relatively cheap bet. I've bet $160,000 on me passing this ONE TEST where the odds are stacked further against me than any house odds in Vegas.

And what happens when you pass? They send you a bill. Granted, I'll be so over-the-moon excited to have passed I'll be in a frenzy writing that check. I probably won't be able to relax until I know they cashed it. Somehow it'll feel like consideration for the contract, on which I can reasonably rely. I wonder if that's ever happened - they tell you that you passed, you pay, then they admit their mistake in admitting you and try to take it back. Sounds like a research project for a bored law student in contracts class. Hmm, they should NEVER have put wi-fi in classrooms.

I'm late for work.

Threesome

Calm down, I'm not talking about sex. (For those who wanted me to be talking about sex, sorry!) Today, I found out I lost another 3 pounds this week. I'm waiting on a 3rd set of bar results. My world seems to be revolving around 3's right now. Yes, there is more than just the weight loss and bar results. I'm just hoping that, like my weight loss, my bar results are positive in my life. But since my formatting on this blog isn't cooperating right now, I'm going to cut it short before I throw my laptop across the room. Maybe I could pick it up and throw it three times...

"Worst Case Scenario"

Here's the thing: no good can come from bar results.

Granted, I may be a tad bitter about my most recent set. Maybe. (Sense writer's sarcasm here.) But I wonder what will happen when I pass.

A firm about an hour south and east of where I live has recruited me to fill the gap left by the lawyer who handled most of the firm's employment discrimination practice. I am so flattered and honored. So he asks if I'm still interested in speaking with him. Hell yeah! He also is a mediator, which I LOVE. I would love to eventually transition into a mediation practice. And he could really help guide me with that.

He asked if I still want to speak with him. Uh, yeah! Here's the thing: I won't have bar results for roughly two more weeks (see prior post if you believe I don't know EXACTLY how long it is until I can check the website). I certainly don't want to waste his time. He needs a lawyer, and I'll know in 2 weeks whether or not I can fill his needs. So I told him so.

He said, "even assuming worst case scenario, would you consider working part time while studying?" Ouch. My fears are manifested in his language. What would I do I don't pass again? How could I face my colleagues? How can I face myself?

Not passing is absolutely the worst case scenario. I'm nauseous. Bright side? At least the nausea makes me not want to eat. And since I'm already down 10.5 pounds and counting, a little nausea goes a long way.

13 days, 7 hours, 25 minutes

Yes, I feel obsessed.

Tired

I'm tired lately. I feel like I could sleep forever. It may be a side-effect of my choosing to lose weight.

I hate the terms that are associated with weight loss. Most obvious is the word "loss." I HATE to lose. As a litigator, this is a great (and necessary) trait. I am not a good loser. And "diet?" It sounds too close to "dying." I don't like to feel deprived of anything, and only when I am choosing to deny (also sounds like diet) myself certain foods, amounts, or times of day, do I obsess with it. I just wish there was an easy way , one that wouldn't require exercise or watching caloric intake. Yeah, did I mention I was tired?

I ordered some stuff online. I'm REALLY excited to have the packages coming in. I love getting packages. I should have 3 coming soon. WAY exciting! I love having something to look forward to that is positive. I pray I get positive bar results, but since I don't actually know what is coming, I can't be excited about it. Especially in light of the fact that I've already gotten 2 sets of earth-shatteringly disappointing ones. So please help me try to stay positive. I could really use the encouragement.

I'm not only physically tired, but I'm completely emotionally on edge. And tomorrow my assistant and I get to tell my boss that we screwed up a pleading today by forgetting to attach the exhibit. Realistically, it's no big deal. We just file an errata, point out that it was left out in error, and call it a day. No additional fees, no problems. But he's going to FLIP. I am NOT looking forward to tomorrow. I wish I could stay home, but I need the cash. Suddenly tired again.

Who Woulda Thunk?

Tonight, a woman on something akin to tech support talked slowly to me like I was an idiot. Yeah, she is going to regret taking that tone. What I wanted to say was something like "listen, bitch, I have a JD, and you have so little education that you don't even know what the f**k that means." You should admire my restraint. All I said to her was "and what was your name again?" She hesitated before giving it to me. I think she knows I am the WRONG girl to mess with.

I was thinking this evening about how we all are desperately seeking someone else's approval, be it a boss, a spouse, a child, God, a fitness trainer, whomever. Maybe that's why I was so over the moon about my previous post. I feel like the Supreme Court of that state acknowledged my hard work, my skillfully-crafted arguments, and openly rewarded me. This is not to take away from the work my boss did, but it is very much an accomplishment of which I should be proud. I couldn't have become the "lawyer" that I am without him.

So I was talking with my ex just now. I wanted him to share in my happiness in my recent legal victory. I thought he could use some good news. He couldn't have sounded less enthusiastic than if I told him while he was having a prostate exam. So I called him on it. I told him that he really needs to stop wallowing in self-pity because he's pushing away those people who love him and believe in him. And frankly, I was pissed that his "congratulations" seemed extremely flat and insincere.

He asked me after a very real conversation if he could call me tomorrow. I told him I would answer the phone.

After we hung up, it struck me how much of a dichotomy there was between who I was 10 years ago and today. 10 years ago, I was hospitalized because I didn't want to live. It's not that I wanted to die, necessarily, but I was frustrated and scared and couldn't take much more of my life. Today, I encouraged my ex to be more positive and that I could help him with that if he was interested.

So, my accomplishment tally for the last few days:
1. The state Supreme Court vindicated my client's rights, took a stance against unconscionable arbitration clauses, and reinforced employee rights.
2. I have lost 2.5 pounds this week, which totals 10.5 since I started making an effort (about 3 weeks).
3. It turns out I, at least sometimes, want to be positive and encourage others to also be positive.
4. I've survived my first laser hair-removal treatment.

Ex said that, while it seems that bad things happen in sequence, sometimes good things keep on rolling too. Maybe I already rubbed off on him a little bit. Maybe he just wanted to humor me because he knows how insane and bitchy I'll become until I get bar results. And if I don't pass again, Lord only knows how I'll handle it. I just pray that, this time, I don't have to find out. Here's hoping and praying.

Oh yeah, and I'm TOTALLY excited about tomorrow. I just pray Prop 2 passes, and Props 4 and 8 are shot down like kamikaze bombers.

The Good Fight

You should always fight the good fight. It's worth it. When I was clerking at a boutique plaintiff's firm while in law school, I was fortunate enough to work on a case against a nation-wide gym. It was particularly egregious sexual harassment. The client is a relate-able single mom. This was sexual harassment that made me nauseous, and the harasser was a scary drug user.

Less than 10 years before our case in a much more conservative county, the gym had received a $1.1 million verdict against it for similar acts of sexual harassment. Did they learn? Of course not. Did their defense attorneys find a much better way to deal with harassment that they knew was running rampant (as testified to by a gym-employed HR person)? Nope. They did, however, come up with a way to avoid liability, public recognition of the sexual harassment, and million dollar verdicts. How so? Arbitration.

Pre-dispute, binding arbitration agreements as a condition of employment are not only unconscionable, but also strip individuals of their 6th Amendment rights to a jury and public trial...oh yeah, and ANY kind of appeal. Fair? Hell no! It has been compared to David and Goliath, but taking David's slingshot away. It's referred to as the Repeat Player Effect. Big corporations hire arbitrators who want to be re-hired in the future...but somehow that's not a conflict. And they have high-powered attorneys on payroll ready to make motions to stay and compel arbitration at the drop of a hat.

The EEOC, American Arbitration Association, and JAMS (another national arbitration association, but the I can never remember what the initial stand for), have ALL come out AGAINST these kinds of mandatory, binding, pre-dispute agreements. The EEOC recognizes that arbitration allows for institutionalized discrimination and robs the government of any means of tracking discrimination or enforcing employee rights against those companies.

So this case that I worked on went to arbitration where the arbitrator's decisions and eventual award were so obviously in contradiction to the law, we had to find out where he got his law degree. Turns out he didn't have one. He lied. Defense firm (which was recently bought by one of the world's largest employer-defending firms) lied. The defendants, by and through their counsel, lied. All were found to have committed actual fraud.

For those who don't know, vacating an arbitration award is a standard higher than abuse of discretion. In layman's terms, it's damn-near impossible, hence the reference to David and Goliath.

My former boss and I worked on the motion to vacate with fervor (for several reasons, but primarily because the client had really gotten the short end of many sticks). And when the judge found actual fraud and remanded the case for trial, I was guardedly excited. The appeals court was likely to overturn the decision. But they didn't. And then it was appealed to the Supreme Court of that state, which consists of 9 ultra-conservative Republicans who have a track record of stripping people of their rights. I was terrified they would grant the petition for cert.

But they declined cert on Friday. - WE WON.-

I wept. Not only was this the best thing that could have happened for our client (and it likely means a 7-figure or higher settlement), but it reinforced who I believe I am and what I'm capable of doing. This was the good fight. Most attorneys, knowing what they were up against and the client's inability to pay (contingency case), would have refused the representation. We fought the good fight. And in this shining moment, we actually won. It reminded me that I was born to do this. This is what God has in mind for me. This is who I am.

And I had to wonder...Even though I want so badly to have passed this bar, will I be as happy when that happens? I honestly don't think so because this was not only a reflection of my abilities, but also a vindication of peoples' right to be free from sexual harassment at the workplace, and a giant blow to binding pre-dispute arbitration clauses as a condition of employment. This is so much bigger than just me. My boss and I worked and slaved and fought the good fight.

And we won.

I just hope that I did pass this bar so I can start doing this kind of work as an attorney and not a law clerk. To my former boss's credit, on this case, he treated me like a colleague and not support staff. He valued my opinions, writing, and judgment. And for this, I am extremely grateful. Because of him, I can have some ownership in this outcome. Now I want to do it with a license. I want my signature on the bottom next time.

So please, God, please let me have passed this time. It's the good fight.

Migraine and 8th Graders

I started getting a headache on Sunday, and it lasted through yesterday evening. It faded in and out, but it was still constant. On the bright side, since I've reached my out-of-pocket maximum with my insurance company, my migraine medicine is no longer nearly $400. I got 9 pills for $35, which is still unbelievable since it probably cost them about $4 per pill to produce. Either way, I'm still grateful for the invention.

I guest lectured at my mom's school yesterday. I discussed the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the other Amendments (which are like red-headed step-children, but most are really cool!), and in one class, I discussed the court system and even ventured into the tiny bit I know about the death penalty.

The biggest challenge (other than the headache and my STUPID decision to wear heels) was putting things in terms that they would understand. Since my mom teaches in South Central Los Angeles (yes, inner-city, underprivileged, all minority), these kids are behind the curve. So rather than speaking to average 8th graders, in some classes, it felt like I was talking to 3rd graders. But a couple kids out of the approximately 100 I saw that day were bright, promising, but were stifled by their surroundings. The teachers can't challenge the bright when there are 30 others who can't read and understand the words in the textbooks.

Moral of the story? All I wanted to do yesterday afternoon was curl up on the couch in my sweatpants with my head on my ex's lap while he gently patted my head. Migraines and 8th graders don't mix.

Opinions Are...

I imagine we all know the common end to that sentence. But I don't know why it is that everyone seems to have an opinion on other people's weight. I mentioned today that I was trying to make healthier decisions, trying to drink the amount of water that I should, etc. Why was the immediate response "so are you going to the gym today?" Nope. And stop looking at me that way.

Don't judge my choices, the extent of my choices, or why I make my choices. It's not cool. Especially since I don't tell others to stop smoking, drop their loser boyfriends, cut back on drinking, drive more carefully, etc. I don't like it, and I imagine those who judge me wouldn't like it very much if I looked down my nose at people who judge me.

And by the way, it's damn near courageous of me to try to start making healthier choices about my eating habits when I am getting BAR RESULTS IN 23 DAYS!!! Cut me some slack, and...oh yeah...remember that you're not perfect either. Back off if you can't be nice. And if you want to muster some support, keep it supportive rather than accusatory, condescending, and/or arrogant. You aren't perfect either.

Distractions

One of the best, most effective things to keep your mind off of that looming, dooming November 21st date is sex. (Sorry to my more modest friends, and especially my aunties!)

When I was in Seattle, we had sex. The kind that left bruises and other "love marks" on various parts of my body. It was kind of funny, actually. My mom asked me about some bruises on my arm. It was all I could do to not tell her "It was from a great sex session, Mom, the really dirty kind." Needless to say, that was not my response. My response was that it must have happened trying to carry all my bags into one of those tiny airport bathroom stalls.

Now that I am 2 weeks (I think it's 2 weeks now) removed from Seattle, the kissing, nasty talk, and of course, the sex, it's hard for me to not try desperately to think of different scenarios that could welcomingly take my mind off of bar results.

I experienced somewhat of an awakening that weekend. Frankly, I've never been that open and honest with someone I've slept with. And it was hot. Was it hot because it was good? Sure. Was it hotter because it was the first time in over a year that I wasn't thinking about bar results? ABSOLUTELY.

I suddenly wish it wasn't 11 a.m. I could really use a green apple martini. And if I smoked, I would certainly be indulging right now.

Anyway, this post was inspired by the woman who commented most recently. She says it helps to know that there are others who are out there commiserating about results, and it got me thinking about advice. My advice? Find someone who (1) you know and trust, (2) feel comfortable with, and (3) get them to do things to you that would make your parents disown you had they known what you were doing.

Ouch

My ex up north has been through a lot last week. I won't violate his privacy about the additional things that have gone on, but needless to say he's been through a lot. Please keep him in your thoughts and/or prayers. He's overall a good guy, and this is rough.

I finished my project for my friend (at least I pray I'm done). It was tough working that many hours in a week and a half. But I should be grateful for the experience, and particularly grateful for my friend having enough confidence in me to hire me to do it. And I should shut up because the money is good.

While there is a lot about my life I would like to and am working on changing, I still need to focus on my many blessings. While I am loosing contact with some of my law school friends (which I suppose is natural), I am so blessed to have the friends I do have. They're awesome, supportive, funny, weird, and the best I could hope for. It hurts that some friends have not made an effort to keep in touch, I still wish them all the best and I'll miss their friendship.

And yes, I'm overweight. That's life. It's my life, anyway. And everyone who judges me based on my weight should shut the hell up. It's my body, you don't know why I am this way, nor is it any of your business. Last time I checked, we all have something. I'm over it, you should get over it.

I want such wonderful things for my friends and family. I think they are just so amazing, and I am lucky to have them in my life. Maybe I should take C's advice and try to see myself how my friends see me. I would never dream of being as hard on my friends as I am on myself. I would never be that demanding of them. I need to cut myself a break sometimes. Easier said than done, but I'm working on it.

And I am going to enjoy this evening, going to bed at a reasonable time, watching America's Next Top Model, and even taking out the trash. I'm lucky to have so much.

Ah, the stages of waiting for bar results...

Tired of It All

I'm tired of working, tired of being poked fun at because I'm fat, tired of staying up late, tired of this project, tired of the weather staying this warm, tired of living with my mom, tired of not having bar results, tired of taking the bar, tired of obsessing about bar results, tired of having a budget, tired of my car payments, tired of being unfairly criticized, tired of my loan payments, tired of some of my law school friends not calling (why should I always call them and they don't call me?), tired of the cat litter box, tired of missing America's Next Top Model, tired of having hair on my legs, underarms, bikini line, etc., tired of intelligent people defending Sarah Palin (which I won't ever understand), tired of Obama trying to be a stand-up comic/politician, tired of Bush (but aren't we all?), tired of not having a life while simultaneously having too much to do (explain that one!)...I think it's time for bed.

Enough for Tonight

A former college professor who now practices hired me to do a project. It was actually a former college classmate who now works for him, but I consider the job to be for the former professor. I told him I've been in boy turmoil lately, and he said something startling: it just gets worse as you get older because the good ones are, in fact, all taken by the time you're in your mid-thirties. Ouch. My Aunt N and my girlfriends are mostly telling me to keep up the hope, that there's someone out there for me who is fabulous. But this man who I've looked up to and admired (particularly admired his intellectual abilities) tells me that it just gets worse? How terrifying!

So this project I was supposed to be working on that my former classmate estimated would take about 10 hours of work has already taken me about 17 and counting. I have about 75ish% maybe 80% done tonight, and I'm just crashing. I haven't worked 17 hours on a weekend in a LONG time. And I have no clean clothes to wear to my regular job tomorrow. I'll have to wear something that must be taken to the dry cleaner's. I'm exhausted, burned out, and that is a dangerous combination. When I'm tired to this point, I start making mistakes. And since REAL people's lives and damages are at stake, I'm done for tonight. I have to be.

I finally spoke with my boy and found out why he didn't call me back since Friday. A friend and former co-worker of his passed away on Friday. He took it pretty hard. So please keep him and his friend's family in your thoughts and/or prayers, please. Thanks, and have a good night.

Why?

Why is it that women always seem to want what they can't have? Can't have chocolate cake because it's too many calories. Can't have the perfect man because he's married, gay, geographically undesirable, etc. Can't have a job and a career and a family life because someone will either call you a bitch (for having too much career ambition), a bad mother for not staying home, or a bad wife for not focusing all your attention on your husband.

Yes, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But I have to evaluate why it is that I seem to fall for the wrong guy, especially when I already know he's the wrong guy. Maybe I know that since it's probably doomed, I can't really get hurt when it inevitably doesn't work out? Maybe I'm just covering a lot of fears? Am I afraid to be with a good man, one who loves me and will love me for being me? And if so, why? And trust is really difficult for me. I know why, but it's still tough to get over sometimes.

But why do I always want the guy who is unavailable? C's theory is that I just want to be wanted, something that every woman wants. Is that it? Probably. I clearly want him to think of me as sexy, smart, capable, etc. Is that why it's making me nutty that he won't call me back?

34 Days

Ugh! A bar-acquantaince of mine has a counter on his blog. As if it weren't bad enough that the BAR has a daily countdown? No. This gentleman's has days, hours, minutes, seconds. And he tries to outwardly have people believe he's not thinking about it. Well, the only way to not think about it is to not look at your blog. Otherwise, it's a constant reminder that a large part of your fate still looms on the horizon, just out of reach. For another 34 days, that is.

I have some contract work that I should be working on, but it kills me when my friends who passed bitch about being lawyers. Are you kidding me? Especially the ones who had to repeat the exam. Um, weren't you the ones bitching that you didn't pass just a few months ago?

To all of you, especially the repeat takers, who passed: PLEASE don't bitch to me about being a lawyer, making court appearances, having to work, etc. I would gladly trade places in a hearbeat. Yes, I have a great-paying job, even though the subject matter is boring and my boss is occasionally really mean to me. But I don't have a license yet. I can't go to court yet. I can't advise clients yet. Please, for the love of God, please appreciate the gift you've been given and stop bitching to me about how much it stinks. Just for a moment, please realize how blessed you are, lucky, fortunate, whatever adjective you'd like. And if you have to bitch, please don't do it to the girl who would rip out all of her eyelashes to trade places with you.

All this being said, C and C (female and male, you know who you are), I am not talking about you two. I am referring generally to those who have forgotten what a blessing it is to have your license, to get to call yourself "lawyer." I am also specifically referring to other people who probably don't read my blog anyway.

34 days, 2 hours, 37 minutes, 10 seconds...

He Loves Me? He Loves Me Not?

I remember when I was a kid, and we used to have miniature wild daisies growing in our front yard. They're the kind you sometimes see growing in the grass in parks. My friends and I used to think of male classmates and pull the petals off of the daisies, saying "he loves me, he loves me not" until each petal was gone.

It made me think recently. I wonder if I love "him" or if I love the idea of him. Or maybe I love how comfortable I am with him? I've known him for just over 14 years. He knows so much about me, but since we didn't stay in touch while I was in law school, there is a lot he doesn't know about me any more, and there are some assumptions he's made about who I am now.

And it bothers me that while I was in Seattle, he reminded me that I've said some "really mean things" to him over the years. It took all of my strength to not tell him that he's said and done some really mean things to me too. But it wasn't worth picking the fight, especially since I don't think he intended to start one. But could he get over that kind of thing? Could I get over the fact that I would have to pay the lion's share of the bills? Could we move on and leave the past behind? Do I even want to try? Or should I just take him at face value, have a good time every once in a while, and leave it at that? I think I might go insane if I knew he was with someone else. But why?

Over our 14 year history, he usually told me he loved me quite frequently. I believe he meant it. So why should it bother me now if he doesn't say it as much any more? But why doesn't he say it? Does he not love me any more? Is it because he loves someone else?

And why was he worried about tanning when he should have been worried about "manscaping" instead? Inside joke.

So does he love me? Does he love who I am? Who I used to be? Who I want to be? Does he love me at all? Maybe I just need to be reminded?

Withdrawals

It had been a long time. Years, in fact. And he was the last one. So there is something to "being with" my ex again, especially after all this time. It's kind of like bringing things full circle. Or maybe all of the hormones just went to my head. Either way, it was still fun.

Who knew?

After three full days of "heightened awareness" after more than three years of drought, it's difficult to reconcile my current feelings. It's strange. I had grown used to going without, but right now, it's all I can think about.

Today was Boss' Day, so we took my boss to PF Chang's for lunch. My fortune cookie read as follows: "You may attend a party where strange customs prevail." I couldn't help but laugh. My assistant laughed too, as I had told her the highlights of my time in Seattle. She certainly doesn't know the full extent, but she knows enough to imagine that fortune cookie had an interesting meaning to me. And I'm going through withdrawals. I am going to have to figure out a way to fly to Seattle at least once a month until I can find a suitable replacement that doesn't require frequent flier miles. I just wish he read my blog.

When Worlds Collide

So I'm back from Seattle. The city is definitely not for me. I really enjoyed the little shops, all the local vendors, the cooler climate, etc. However, it's nearly impossible to overlook that (1) it reminds me a lot of the city in which I went to law school, (2) people openly smoke pot, (3) purple hair, torn jeans, and Kurt Cobain immortalized...enough said. I also enjoyed spending time with my ex, but I realized that we want very different things. And when I tried to tell him that we don't aspire to any of the same things, he interpreted that to mean a general outlook on life, whereas I meant actual goals. I want to be a lawyer, help people, make good money, be generally comfortable and happy, be a wife and mother. I don't know what he aspires to in life, but I do know he doesn't want to be married or have any children. So what happens when worlds collide? Just fun, nothing serious. Am I disappointed? Yeah. As N put it, dating is a lot of work like a full time job, especially in the beginning. While the perks are good, you still have to put in the time. When it's not new, it's not quite as intense. I'm just not looking forward to dating again.

Songs 'N Stuff

I was in the mood to spend a modest amount of money downloading some songs tonight. (Yes, I am one of those nerds who actually pays for music as opposed to illegally downloading. I would rather spend the 99 cents than have the Bar refuse to admit me because I downloaded "It's Raining Men.")

For some reason, I've been on a bit of a disco kick. It's particularly funny to me, since I wasn't born when any of the songs I downloaded were on the charts. In fact, many were probably on vinyl or 8-tracks. I bought the following:
1. Love to Love You, Baby
2. It's Raining Men
3. She Works Hard for the Money
4. Love Song by Sara Bareilles (yes, it's the sole contemporary on the list)
5. On the Radio
6. Don't Leave Me this Way

By the way, I defy any woman (or straight man, for that matter) to not feel the least bit aroused after listening to Love to Love You, Baby.

I guess I'm just trying to get ready for bed. I'd love to not have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm nervous. I keep having visions of the doctor telling me he's only going to take a little bit of my skin, a little blood, etc. Yes, I'm probably paranoid, but I fear the realistic one is probably the blood draw. I guess I'll resort to anything instead of facing the only thing that lies between me and the doctor: sleep.

So a buddy commented on my most recent posting about Sarah Palin. I don't know about the rest of you, but I can't help but think of Tina Fey every time I see her talking about dogs with lipstick and seeing Russia from her house. Yes, in that voice. And I also can't stop thinking that Palin, someone who most assuredly would rather live in a world without gays (check out her bio, including "A Day Without Gays"), copied Karen's hairstyles from Will and Grace.

So I'm listening to my ipod and I'm realizing how terribly painful these little earbobs are. But it's still worth it to blast P!nk at levels that my neighbors and mother shouldn't hear, especially when she tosses around words like "d*ckhead," "sh*t," etc.

I guess I'll go take a shower. I feel like I'm reading a real-life version of The Monster at the End of This Book. It was my favorite book when I was little. My mom would always do the Grover voice, and it makes me laugh to this day.

Oh! And who thinks I should spring for World Series tickets for my dad? They'll be unbelievably expensive, but it's probably one of the last times (if not THE last time) the Dodgers may be in it in the conceivable future. Any thoughts? Oh yeah, and my federal loans come off forbearance (i.e. I have to start paying them) in November. Any thoughts?

G'night. I'll let you know how it goes at the doctor.

I Hate Sarah Palin

She said just now in the VP debate that this country respects and values "women's rights." How this woman could possibly make that assertion is beyond me. Maybe she's forgotten how, under her tenure, she made rape victims pay for their own rape kits in hospitals. Nice. How is that respectful or showing value for the rights of women? After the most intimate, horrific, and unfathomable violation of an individual woman's rights, she thinks it's okay to ask her to pay for the privilege of collecting the evidence? I guess maybe she wanted to pile on another reason to intimidate women, especially poor women, from coming forward and seeking the help they surely and desperately need after being violated beyond imagination.

My legal assistant said she doesn't like some of the associations to which Obama belongs. I bet she's not too keen on my belonging to some of the organizations to which I've belonged. You may not like that someone is a card-carrying ACLU member or a NARAL member, whatever. I am far more offended by Sarah Palin's actions against the rights of individuals than what group she may send a check to once a year.

I don't care if you disagree with my political beliefs. That's life, and it's American to engage in vigorous debate. But making women (and probably some men) pay for their rape kit, which is obviously necessary for the identification and prosecution of a rapist is something that no one in their right mind could believe to be a sound policy. Is it somehow more important to catch those who only rape women who can afford to pay for the kit? Maybe we should start requiring individual crime victims to pay prosecutors by the hour, too. Where's it going to stop? I bet she believes OJ was innocent, too. No, honey. He was just able to buy some justice, which is obviously what you believe in.

God forbid she ever be in that position, and I say that with sincerity. I wish that no one would ever feel that kind of violation. I doubt there is much more hurt, shame, anger...that anyone could endure. But I am certain that if she went to a hospital after surviving a violent attack, the last thing she would want to do is get out her checkbook before she received the kit that might help bring the attacker to justice.

Go get her, Joe!

New Excuses

When I was in grade school, there was a set of typical excuses for not doing your homework, why a project was late, etc. Tonight, I spoke with my niece who said she couldn't do a piece of her homework because she couldn't get online. Well, my sister (her mother) is one of the last people on the planet who has dial-up. But that's not the problem. My niece says she tried to start the computer, but it froze, so she did a manual shut down. Try to restart? Nope. Can't just go old school and use books? Nope. The teacher requires web addresses. Keep in mind, her entire class was given laptops for each student to use (and take home). Can't connect using the laptop? Nope. It doesn't have a port for a phone line (which I find impossible to believe). What is more likely is that there is no internet connection on her laptop for her to access, as the school probably took it out. "Sorry teacher, the internet was down." Homework excuses have certainly changed since I was a kid. And my sister let her go to a dance competition today and some kind of expo yesterday without nearly a scrap of homework being done. Things are certainly different than when I was a kid.

Last Man Standing

Yesterday, one of my very best friends found out that she passed the AL bar exam. This time around, she put in a good deal of time and effort, and she really deserved to pass. I am over the moon happy for her.

But it got me thinking. I'm the only one in my group of friends who hasn't passed yet. Except, of course, my friend who spent a year abroad working with victims of human trafficking. But other than that, it's just me. No additional pressure now, right? Sure. It's painful and miserable and lonely-feeling. And you know, I really need to get over myself. I have a very well-paying job at which I'm gaining valuable practical experience. I'm able to pay down my debt, I have good friends, and my family loves me (although at times they are the reason I take anti-depressants...okay, the main reason). But I need to start putting things in perspective. I am damned lucky, very blessed. And since there is nothing more I can do about the bar exam now (and yes, results are 55 days from now), I need to just try to ignore the elephant in the room. I need to think about how other things in my life are going pretty well.

So today, I think I'll get a pedicure, maybe wax my eyebrows, and try to remember why it is that I am so lucky instead of always remembering what makes me so nervous about the future that I may have developed an ulcer.

So What?

Every headlining story of every remotely entertainment-based news show lead with Clay Aiken finally admitting he's gay. Um, who didn't know that already? Did he really have to technically "admit" it? And who would consider that news "unbelievably" or "shocking"? Seriously? I would have bet passing bar results that Clay Aiken was gay, and knowing how desperately I'd like to pass, that should tell you what a sure thing bet that would be.

So both of my bestest friends in the whole wide world are having test-related news this Friday. C is getting her Alabama bar results and N is taking her certified financial planner test (and simultaneously getting results). Needless to say, this is not resting well in my already nervous stomach. But I'm trying to take it all in stride. I mean, I'm excited for both of them and pray that both pass their respective life-changing tests. But it just reminds me that I have 59 more days to wait to see if I have life-changing results. Ick. Nausea. So what, right? I already know what it's like to not pass, so hopefully this will be a completely new experience. My goal is to not find out my score. (For those not in the know, when you pass they don't tell you your score. They only give you that gem if you don't pass.)

I wonder if Clay Aiken thought it was "shocking" news. Surely he already knew. It wasn't something that surprised him. And since we ALL already knew, how is this surprising news? Seriously? So what?

I guess I'm shocked that anyone would lead that story and call the news "shocking," but I doubt that was the point of the adjective.

Another Reason Law School Sucks

My stomach hurt so badly last night that I threw up, went into my mom's room, and asked her to take me to the hospital. I like to think I handle pain relatively well, which is why my mom was really freaked out when I asked to go. It felt like that scene from one of the Alien movies where the alien busted out of the person's stomach. And when I got there, the waiting room was filled with happy people, joking, watching tv, etc. I was doubled over and had the nurse give me a puke bucket (which I had to ask for TWICE...I should have just gone ahead and thrown up on the waiting room floor).

It turns out I probably have either a relatively mild ulcer or the stress of everything I have going on right now made my stomach start killing itself with acid. The good news is, after some internet research, I believe that it is a relatively new ulcer, if it is one at all, and sometimes relatively new ulcers can heal on their own.

I absolutely blame law school (which seems to be where most of my health issues began) for this and other things. I blame the board of bar examiners for screwing me in February. And how could the board of bar examiners have the chance to screw me in February? That's right! Law school.

Law school is the root of all evil, as evidenced by the fact that law school costs so damn much money. If you're thinking about law school, think again. It could possibly be one of the most regrettable decisions of your life. On the other hand, it could be an accomplishment of which you can be proud. I just guess I'm feeling as sour as the acid that I can taste in the back of my throat.

Working for a Living

Is there an inherent difference between those of us who work in "executive" or "white collar" positions and those who don't? How is it that people who are "blue collar" somehow feel that they're superior because they may work physically harder?

I work hard (for the most part) for a living. I went to school for what seems like an eternity, and have more educational debt than the average person by FAR. So do most of my friends, since most of my friends are law school buddies.

But when "my guy" told me just now that he gets up every day at 5:30 in the morning and I retorted that doing so was offensive to my non-morning personality, he said something to the effect that people who get up early and do more physical-type labor are somehow more...I don't know...honest? That the work is more honest?

Bite me. I work for my money, and I certainly won't feel badly because I work with my mind more than with the "sweat of my brow." I've gone through more over this education and this profession than most people could ever fathom. I've overcome more obstacles than most people realize. And I think it's unfair and judgmental to cast a shadow of slight on what I choose to do. And that's really all that education gives you: choices. I could choose to do almost anything because of my degree and my education. I find it offensive to me and my accomplishments to somehow judge my profession.

Whatever.

I still found some cute lingerie, finally, and if he doesn't talk smack about lawyers and/or my chosen profession again, maybe he'll get to see them. Maybe. No guarantees. Maybe I'll make him sign an arbitration agreement first, including a confidentiality clause. lol

Fat Girls Need Love, Too

So my mind was wandering and I was thinking about sex. (Yes, I think I was a man in a former life...or I have a very male essence...or maybe it's just been too long.) And my mind got to the scary part of sex, at least for women, which is being seen naked. It's compromising. And any women at one point or another has looked at her naked body and scrutinized every inch, or at least the ones she can see without a three-way mirror. And I've never been naked in front of a man when I'm this weight. And it doesn't help that C has been losing weight like it's butter melting off of her. I hate her just a little bit right now, but then again, she will likely be in the same boat relatively soon.

So I was looking at lingerie online. It's either super skanky, white-trash, bleach blond with black roots models showing disgusting lacy rags, or it's 400 pound girls and you can't get past the buckets and buckets of boobs. I'm fat, but I ain't THAT fat, not even close. Even Frederick's of Hollywood has cut way back on their plus-sized line. What's the deal? Did all the fat girls just stop having sex in lingerie? Stop having sex at all? What the hell happened? Or did the fat girls just stop trying to dress up what they have in exchange for self-consciousness? Not likely.

I don't know what the deal is, but I'm getting more and more nervous about "him" seeing me in a state of undress.

Sorry to those of you (especially CP) who surely did not want to read this entry. But it's a diary, it's online, and it's what is slithering out of my head right now. Give the fat girl a break, alright?!?!

Sweet Dreams

It's after midnight and I'm still awake. This is a rarity. I am generally an early to bed, early to stay in bed half-awake while watching daytime tv. Well, not when I have work. But I don't usually stay up this late unless there's a reason.

Maybe I'm excited about my trip up north. Maybe I'm terrified of it. I just wanted to go to see if there was something worth fighting for rather than just a good friend. When I got the same advice from three women in less than 8 hours, I figured I should think about it and have the conversation I dreaded (which really wasn't that bad).

Note to self: Exhausted, over-stressed, hormonal, overworked, and stressing about bar results AND medical stuff is worse than drunk dialing. At least drunk dialing usually just means overly-forward and flirty. All of the aforementioned elements equals bad judgment and accusations.

And at this point in the night, I'm not sleepy. My body KNOWS it is secretly tired, but I feel like the kid at [insert favorite childhood amusement park here] when it's past bedtime, but you REFUSE to show any signs of tiredness (which, of course, just underscores how tired you really are). Well, I for one am going to give this sleep thing a shot just after "By Your Side" by Sade finishes. I really think this would be the perfect song for some guy to steal my heart with. It even includes the line "I'll tell you you're right when you want...hahahaha." But it's still sweet, and if some guy would tell me I'm right when I need to hear it (need to hear it, not just want to), he would absolutely be the right guy for me.

Anyone know anyone who's looking for a romantic, sweetly-sarcastic, law clerk (hope-to-be soon-to-be-attorney), is financially independent, and who is really a good catch? Yeah, me neither.

Swirly-Headed

I have a million things going on in my head right now. I'm swirly-headed. I've got a ton of stuff going on at work and it's all going to hit the fan tomorrow when my boss comes back from a mini-vacation. I've got discovery that needs to go out tomorrow, we have an ex parte coming up on Wednesday, I've got an arbitration petition that needs to go out but might very well be unnecessary, letters going out, stipulations...oh, and the paralegal put in her 2 weeks notice.

And I obviously said some things I should have said on the phone with "him." Some things I said weren't fair. So today I apologized, which was not easy to do. And I had to tell him something else, which was WAY harder than apologizing. But I had to tell him. And he told me that he understood and forgave me and thanked me for apologizing. Then I started telling him about all my stress and things going on...then I started crying. But, I've decided to go for a face-to-face visit, which I will likely be doing in early October. Now that all my cards are on the table, I feel a bit vulnerable, but isn't that what friendships and relationships are about? Being vulnerable with each other? And by the way, thank you to my two girlfriends who listened through both ends of it.

And I think I want Botox in my jaw to help with my TMJ/teeth grinding. On a particularly stressful day, I'll find that my jaw is aching and I didn't even realize I was clenching. Or on a stressful night, I'll awake almost unable to fully open my mouth from a nighttime of clenching my jaw. Ouch. The upside is that if I can get a Kaiser doctor to diagnose it, the Botox is covered (except, of course, the co-pay) since it's a medical treatment as opposed to cosmetic.

I'm just swirly-headed right now.

What Do You Do When...

What do you do when you're crying and the only people in the world who may conceivably understand what you're going through who also know and love you don't answer their phones?

I'm still working on the answer to that one. I guess the short answer is "blog, since your computer happens to already be on."

So I told him. He is fixated on living in another state. He chose a locale over me. And maybe I'm making a bigger deal over this than I should. I mean, it's not like we're really together at all. But I honestly thought we could make a go of it. But I am stuck in CA because of the Bar. And I believe it's unfair to ask someone to have to go through another bar exam just because that state doesn't offer reciprocity. Knowing the hell I went through not passing and having to re-take it (again), how could someone ask that of me? But, in all fairness, he didn't ask. I kind of wish he would have. At least that might have shown me that he really love me, not just really says it.

And what do you do when your heart feels cracked (aka not fully broken) and none of your friends are answering their phones? Cry some more and go to bed...while watching his favorite baseball team lose.

The Winner Takes it All

I knew I was an Abba fan, and such knowledge was recently cemented when I went to see Mama Mia. Well, the other night in my downloading frenzy (yes, again, it was all LEGAL downloading which I paid licensing fees for), I downloaded some Abba.

Today was a rough day already, and it's only 2o til 2. One of my kitties is sick, and I thought she had died under a bathroom cabinet. Happily, thankfully, she's fine. But it still freaked me out.

I also tried calling my favorite guy to sweetly wake him up this morning but he neglected to answer the phone. I wanted to tell him that I do love him, but when he called me around noon from the grocery store, it just wasn't the right time.

I'm just in a funk, probably induced by a combination of forgetting my pills yesterday, him not answering my call, the weather still being gray since yesterday, my sick kitty, etc. So I started listening to The Winner Takes it All, and welled up. It isn't easy to await bar results no matter where you are. Sometimes you don't even realize that your stress is bar-related until you realize that it's a bit irrational. Kind of similar to PMS predicting your period through irrational crying spells and chocolate binges.

Anyway, my favorite guy said to me on the phone last night that he wished so badly that he could help me or do something to help me have passed this time. It was admittedly sweet sentiment, but the problem is that I don't want it to be from anyone's help. I've worked for my entire life for this goal. I was born to be a lawyer. And at this final moment, I want the combination of my blood, sweat, and tears, along with the guidance and teaching I've received along the way to result in ME being the winner. Isn't it my time? When do I get to be THAT girl?

Download Frenzy

Since Shoe Frenzy was this weekend, I figured the rest of my week/month/any length of time should resemble a frenzy. Or maybe it just happened that way. Or maybe it was a grand design.

Whatever.

So I downloaded 18 songs tonight ranging from Sade to Dixie Chicks, Melissa Etheridge to Dolly Parton. I even downloaded Mr. Big and Johnny Cash. Eclectic? Hell yes. Me? Completely.

Oh yeah, and Shoe Frenzy is where a bunch of designers donate a bunch of pairs of shoes to help Women's Clinic. Something like 97% of the money for the shoes goes to help Women's Clinic. So I went a little nuts and bought 5 pairs of shoes. I only have buyer's remorse over one of them, but I'm still not entirely sure yet. But no woman can have too many purses or shoes. And the proceeds go to help protect women's reproductive rights, access to health care, and even access to mental health care. I'm doing what Bush can't, and all I had to do was buy too many pairs of shoes.

Off to listen to my newly downloaded (LEGALLY) music. I even paid for it. The last thing I need is a virus, or the Bar determining that I don't have a good moral character after all and revoking my positive determination. Irony in the wording? Not likely, not if you know me.

Yes, It HAS Been 100 Years...

Sorry I haven't blogged. Honestly, I haven't felt much like taking out my laptop, setting it up, fighting with my cats, etc.

What you've missed lately:
1. My trip to Vegas for a lawyers convention. Two big "ups" were seeing two of my favorite lawyers, one of which wants me to pass the bar so he can see if I can finally come work for him. Ever since I did my "due diligence" on him and his firm when I interviewed there a year ago I wanted to work there. And the other was someone I've known from college who is likewise amazing. And there was a cocktail party where I had to wear a black and white checkered wristband. I had to think of the last time I wore won, and I flashed back to college again. I needed to then make a beeline for the bar. I drank a touch much, but it's Vegas! Oh, and I'll blame the cocktails for bidding $1350 on a pair of world series tickets. It was fun, but I was admittedly lonely and additionally bummed out about failing the bar. Please Lord, I need to have passed this time. PLEASE!! ?? please?

2. The new "paralegal" at my office broke down in tears acknowledging to my assistant that she's overwhelmed by the job, knows she's never been on time once, is stressed out by her mom visiting from Europe, etc. It gave me validation that I AM good at my job and that I did deserve a raise. It also made me sad because I want so much to help her, but what she needs isn't help, it's a lot more training than I can provide. I mean, what paralegal doesn't know how to research on Westlaw? I want it to work out, and I wish the best for everyone. But it's not my job (and hence, I can't bill for the time) to train her. Especially with stuff that she really should have known by now.

3. A firm in the area in which I want to practice just emailed me and asked if I was still looking for a job. I'm over the moon about the prospect of getting back into that field, but I KNOW it'll mean a pay cut. And I feel like Judas with Coach bags instead of silver pieces. It's like I've sold my principles to a defense firm in exchange for my brand new Kate Spade purse, 2 new Coach bags, 5 new pairs of shoes...I really AM the devil who wears Prada. Well, not Prada. But you get the gist.

4. My grandmother turned 81 on Saturday, and I'll call her this week to wish her a happy birthday. I just want to give her some time to recuperate from the weekend of casino hopping they just did with my aunt and uncle.

5. I have a current favorite author! Her name is Jen Lancaster, and the book is "Such a Pretty Fat." She even called someone an "a$$hat," which is a joke only one of you will understand, and the reason she understands is because I told her it sounds just like HER voice in the book. The only reason I know it's not her is because she'd never have dogs and leather couches. Nearly everything else is a perfect match.

Now that you've read my mini-novel, I hope you humor me and enjoy the tidbits I will continue to post even if sporadically.

Have a fabulous day!