I Swear

I am a bit disappointed that the CA swearing-in oath consists of only one sentence, and is remarkably similar to the oath you take when you get a passport. Hmm.

I have my suit picked out and am going to wear fabulous shoes that I recently bought and broke in. I'm also going to wear makeup for the first time in ages. Subtly is key.

So today I am getting my hair cut and my eyebrows done, as well as some laser "work." (Sorry, male friend C!) I've only had one treatment so far, but I am already missing patches of hair. I really think that's great! I can't wait to be finished. I'm also very excited about having numbing cream this time. LOL

I don't know how I want to wear my hair at my swearing-in. I'm thinking an updo, but I'm not sure if I want a bun or something akin to a clipped French twist.

I guess I'm going to try to get my day/weekend going now. I also have to do laundry, I wanted to try to empty my car, I want to go to my office and get some work done (mediation on Tuesday, but I'll happily be at my swearing-in ceremony), and I want to list my bar study books on Ebay.

Oh! If anyone is interested in buying my books, I have BarBri books, BarPassers books, PMBR books, another MBE book by Emmanuel, PMBR cd's, and outlines. I'll be putting them on Ebay soon, but I'll make the first offer to you. For everything mentioned above, I'd like $500. Make me an offer! If you'd like the above but not the whole thing, make me an offer on one or more.

The Real Holiday

I'm not huge on Thanksgiving, but this year was admittedly a bit different. I could not be more thankful that I finally passed the Bar. But it was still just another day of family turmoil and more drama than is ever necessary. Who would have thought that a holiday centering around food would piss people off so much?

I am a Black Friday shopper. I like the idea of good deals, but not nearly as much as I love the idea of being done with holiday shopping in 1 day. I have a lot of errands to run today, one of which is buying a Blackberry. I went to my local T-Mobile store where I was doubly disappointed. First, if I was a "new customer" instead of "an upgrade customer," my phone would have been free. WTF? Especially considering companies are going under because their customers can't pay their bills, I would think they'd rather keep their customers who pay their bills in full every month and on time. Second, they only had the phone in red. I'm not a fan of red except in very particular instances of lipstick. Where should I go to get the "titanium" colored phone? The mall. Are you nuts? I just escaped the mall and escaped with my life! Now you want me to go back? Maybe tomorrow.

Black Friday is the real holiday for me. I bought shirts for 5 bucks, designer purses for 10 bucks, a nice fleece blanket for 19, etc. I made out like a bandit! Problem? I still don't have anything for my dad. I think it may be okay though, since I'd like to take him to Vegas or Cooperstown (Baseball Hall of Fame) or Graceland. I'm just not sure I'll be able to afford it this year. So I'll have to think on whether or not I want to buy him something or give him an IOU. Any suggestions?

No?

I haven't heard from anyone telling me that they think any advice or comments that I make regarding the Bar are helpful. Thus, I'll give it another week. If I don't hear from anyone, I'll take my blog in a new direction.

Approaching the Exam

BarBri tells you that you need to ace the essays and be average on the MBE and PT. I think this is the wrong approach. I think that if you've graduated law school, you are capable of writing a 60-65 point essay on almost any subject. What did you never do in law school? An assload of multiple choice questions and performance tests. If you build yourself enough of a cushion on the MBE and PT, it is okay if you miss an issue or two over the 6 essays. And the MBE and PT skills are FAR easier to master than essay skills, especially since your essays are being graded by people who wonder what the hell BarBri is telling their students such lies for. And the MBE only has 6 subjects for you to study, while you have to study ALL essay subjects to get good. Aside from the horrible formatting (sorry, my site is acting up at present), is this kind of thing helpful? If so, I'll keep giving some tips that I wish to God someone had told me a year or two ago. If not, I'll move on from bar tips. Also, anyone who passed, please feel free to comment and tell me whether or not you agree and if you have tips of your own.

Why Bar Graders Continued

I very much valued the in-class time, and think that the essays were the perfect compliment and practical element. But the in-class people are excellent, willing to answer your questions, and will talk to you in a real way. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have taken BarBri. Ever. It's a ripoff for anyone who doesn't learn effectively on their own. I would recommend Bar Passers as a substantive course (my score went up by 50 raw points), and, if you can afford it, at least 20 essays and one in-class Bar Graders seminar. It may be overkill, but I would also throw in the John Holtz class.

Why BarGraders?

Thank you to those who read my blog who are fellow bar sufferers. I recently received a comment on the perks of Bar Passers. So here goes...

With Bar Passers, you can buy a package of essays. The website is set up for first time takers and repeaters. However, since I didn't feel I needed 40 essays (for repeaters), I called and they said that I could sign up for 20, and I only needed to sign in through the first-timers page.

I heard about the course when I failed the second time. I can't recall if it was a mailing or something else. But I attended their free exam review session, which was filled with a bunch of people who needed more help than these people could give. Some people were asking SHOCKINGLY stupid questions. But I stuck it out until later than I had planned. And for attending, I got a 10% discount code for any purchases I made.

I bought 20 essays and a 2-day essay course. (I think it was 2 days, but it may have been 3. I can't remember.) They offer a PT course as well, but I still advocate John Holtz for the PT.

During the in-class essay course, they went over specific things they were looking for when they were actual graders. They demystified the process. They also clued you in to the things that they want, a large part of which is in direct contradiction to what BarBri tries to preach. Me? I wanted to do whatever it was the graders were looking for, and I don't care what BarBri's 70% market share was doing.

On the 20 essays, I admit that I didn't use all of them, and I didn't do subjects that I thought were extremely unlikely for this bar exam. I did, however, do at least 1 in any subject I thought was possible and 2 in my weaker subjects.

You sign onto the website and you have the option of choosing the subject of your essay or having the system choose at random. I never picked at random. I figured it would be more productive for me to perform essays in the subjects I had just studied in an attempt to cement the concepts in essay form.

You pick your essay, then they give you 3 minutes to print it, then it is a timed essay that you have to do online. Once you're done, you submit it or you run out of time and it submits it for you.

About 1-2 days later, they email you that it's ready for review. The feedback is excellent. They break down the IRAC for each issue you spotted. You also have the ability to look at a model answer, which is immensely helpful. They generally make a comment or two per paragraph, but the feedback they give both tells you (1) what you did wrong, and (2) how to fix it. BarBri will forever tell you that you suck, and write "no!" on your essays, if they ever give them back to you. (A year later, I'm still waiting for the last essay I turned in.) The "how to fix it" is extremely helpful, as I just needed someone to tell me how to fix what I was doing wrong. For the most part, I hit all the issues, so I couldn't figure out why my essays averaged about 60.

Seattle

I often hate to admit when other people are right, especially when I so badly want to be right.

Two of my best girlfriends have both suggested (in a supportive manner) that I stop torturing myself and re-evaluate my relationship with my ex. This ex told me that he would call me "every day this week" after I told him that I was so freaked out about the bar. He called on Sunday of last week and promised a call and a text the next day. It was the last time we spoke.

The real Capricorn in me REFUSES to call him. Why should I? He lied to me. He told me he was going to do something, knowing full well that I needed his support, asked for his support, and explained why...and he didn't do it.

It seems like every time I want something from him or that he tells me he'll do something, I'm always disappointed. It made me think about my relationships with my friends. While we're all human, for the most part, my friends are extremely loyal and follow through on the things they say. My ex? Exact opposite. What kind of friendship is it if I'm constantly being let down? Answer? It's not.

This seems to really be my deal breaker. He knew the hell I went through when I didn't pass last time. And I completely understand that he has a lot going on right now, but that's no excuse to make a promise of friendship and support and then fail to call for over a week.

I got more support from people I just IM with.

Moral of the story is that I think I'm finally wising up. Enough may actually be enough this time. I should focus on my fabulous friends, the ones who are actual friends, who act like friends. I need someone to constantly let me down like I need a fractured skull.

Do Over

NRG,
Thanks for reading my blog and for the unwavering support you gave me. Your tests are in a different field, but are just as capable of killing your spirit as the Bar. Thank you for being a friend, and we will work out another time to celebrate our respective fabulosity.
Sorry for miscommunication last night.
Love you!

Mixed Feelings

I still don't know how I passed. Only 27% of repeaters passed this July. I am extremely grateful that I passed and humbled by the experience. There are two of my fellow sufferers who are very bright and capable who didn't. I'm shocked that they didn't.

It makes me reflect on the recent fires out here in So CA. The fire would make its way through neighborhoods, sometimes burning EVERYTHING in its path, homes, pets, cars, etc. Sometimes, however, the fire would skip over certain homes and burn everything else, leaving some homes inexplicably untouched. That's how I feel about this bar exam. I was burned twice before but was inexplicably spared this time, while my neighbor and a friend got burned.

There's no rhyme or reason. I wasn't better prepared. I don't possess any superior knowledge. Frankly, I was reflecting on why I assumed that I failed. I missed a major issue on two different essays, one of which was even in the call of the question. I am sure that I also blew that executive powers essay, but I was probably spared by collective ignorance on that one. And the MBE seemed inordinately difficult this time. I would have bet money that I failed and my friend would have passed.

I am still over the moon about passing. I am so grateful to those who helped me, supported me, encouraged me. I am so blessed and believe I will be one hell of an attorney. But I am hurting for my friends because I know their pain.

I have no words of wisdom, no inside track. I think that's obvious and demonstrated by the fact that I failed twice. The only thing I can do is say what I did this time:

(1) Bar Graders essays. They give great and detailed feedback. They also were actual graders, so they can tell you what they were actually looking for, unlike BarBri, Bar Passers, etc. I highly recommend them, since they tell you tips that are NOT what BarBri is telling you. It may be the reason I passed. If I had to guess, I would say that their tips are what made the difference. Even if you don't do the graded essays, go to at least one of their seminars. I believe it's worth the money.

(2) Practical experience. Since working at a commercial real estate firm, I gained practical experience on both contracts and real property. I got lucky that they were both on the bar this time. The thing is, this is difficult to get. However, most attorneys are relatively sympathetic and have some insight to offer into your writing. So even if you don't have a job where you constantly write on your weakest subject, network or reach out to alumni who would be willing to take a look at some of your essays and/or show you some of their argumentative briefs where they lay out the law. I think this also proved invaluable.

(3) Relieve your stress at night. Do whatever puts your mind at ease the night before and each night of the bar exam. Watch tv, play a board game, computer games, hot bath, "self-attention," whatever works. I also spent about 1 hour reviewing my notes the night before. I know everyone says not to do that, but it is what put my mind at ease. I knew I was doing everything I could do without making myself nuts. My friend C went over her entire outline the night before the bar (in Alabama). It worked for her. But do whatever you have to do to force your body to relax because you can't do it on your own.

(4) Go ahead and cry. I cried, I was frustrated, and this time, I decided to let myself feel everything I was going to feel. Frankly? I was robbed last time. I deserved to pass last time. This time? I didn't study as much, as hard, or as frequently. I let myself mourn and pout and cry and whine. I also let myself come back with a vengeance. I did everything that I thought would push me over to the other side of the line. I was honest with my weaknesses and I exploited my strengths.

(5) John Holtz, not to be confused with Lou Holtz. He's the PT guru in California. I am contractually bound not to disclose his tips, but I think that they are extremely valuable. They saved me time, they helped me structure, and they helped me pass. And it's relatively moderately priced.

(6) Know that the world will still turn, the cats will still purr, the tide will still come in, and that you are superior to most of the rest of the state/country both in intellect and drive. I maintained a healthy superiority complex while preparing for the bar (which was no small feat considering I failed twice). But even when I had to fake my confidence, it still helped me attack the bar. I didn't spend time second guessing all of my MBE answers. It also helped with the essays and PT's by my checking to make sure each essay had everything I think it needed to blow the graders away. Don't focus on what you don't know or can't recall because it will shake your confidence and not accomplish anything. Bolster the rest of your arguments instead of dwelling on what you don't know.

(7) Prayer and luck. You can never have enough of either.

This post was much longer than I anticipated when I started writing. I hope that it was helpful, and please don't hesitate to ask me anything. If I can help, I'd love to. The euphoria you feel when you pass is intoxicating, and I want others to share that.

Sound Sleep

As you can imagine, I didn't sleep well over the last week. Constantly on the verge of tears, I was terrified. My nerves were on the sharp edge. I jumped at everything.

Last night, I celebrated with my family at a local restaurant that has special meaning to me. It is where we celebrated my college graduation. It is where my father took me for dinner after the first time I sat for the bar (a year ago now). And the owner is an upbeat (but not annoyingly so), encouraging guy. Since we've been going there since I was young, he knew what was going on with me. So it kind of brought things full circle when I went there to celebrate last night.

And I had a LOT of champagne. I earned it!

I got home, brushed my teeth, and climbed into bed. I finally slept, REALLY slept. I awoke around 6:30ish this morning (yes, it's really early), but I immediately felt better. I was refreshed, replenished. More than that, I was VINDICATED. I finally have been welcomed into the fellowship that I've been desperately trying to become a part of for years. I finally slept well, deep sleep, dream sleep.

The feeling of passing was overwhelming and intense. My niece (who is 12) was with me last night. I entered my applicant and file number and let her click to check the results. It looked different than last time. We screamed and hugged each other. I hugged her so hard she could barely breathe. I immediately wept. I re-read it. I made her re-read it to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. My name is on the pass list.

I am still a bit in shock, but it's a pleasant feeling. Vastly different than the overwhelming fear and doubt I felt for the past year.

And it's awesome to know that I have an associate justice of the court of appeal who is willing to swear me in. I am absolutely going to take him up on it. It's special, and this is the most special thing that has ever happened to me.

It felt good to not cry myself to sleep. I finally won.

Hell Yeah, Bitches!

Just call me Esq., thank you very much!

Congrats to those who did. It is an unbelievable feeling.

To those who didn't, I feel your pain better than I wish I did. But perseverence pays off, so please take the weekend, mourn your loss, and face your demon, and you can do it. I belive in you, too!

Thanks

Thank you to everyone who is wishing me well. I apologize for not visiting your sites, but it usually ended in a panic attack (see last post), so I've avoided it.

I'm holding up better than expected today, so far at least. I hope you are too. And prayerfully, hopefully, cosmically (?) we'll all pass because we are capable, competent attorneys. Keep up the good work, keep the "faith," and we can get through this together.

Best of luck, and I appreciate your kind words and support more than you know.

The Other "F" Word

A guy from the office suite next to ours told me that he has faith that I passed. He's also the one who asked me whether or not I pray (which I find to be quite a personal question, but whatever).

So I was thinking about faith today. And yesterday while I was crying hysterically and having a small-scale panic attack in my car on the drive home. FYI, it's NEVER a good idea to have a panic attack accompanied by a hysterical crying session during rush hour traffic on the busiest street in the city.

It's not that I don't have faith in God. I do. I believe that He guides me in many of my decisions. And He and I have conversations on a regular basis, although I do most of the talking.

It's faith in myself that I lack. And if you "pfft" at that statement, you've obviously never taken a bar exam. I really thought I passed last time. I had faith that I did. And I was robbed. It was more devastating than almost anything I can imagine. It shook my faith in myself, my abilities, my life, who I am, what I want to do, and whether or not I would be good at it. And when you go through something like that, especially twice, and then have to face it again for a third (and hopefully LAST) time, you have to understand how low I feel.

Maybe my panic attacks (yes, plural) are my psyche's self-defense mechanism. Or maybe they're a manifestation of my greatest fears realized. It is also possible I'm overreacting, but I sincerely doubt that is the case.

I'm just f*cking terrified that I didn't pass again. I really don't know how I would handle it. And I'm still considering staying in my office until it's time to check so that I can have my reaction to whatever news I get to be private. Maybe I need that. Maybe I should be at home. Who knows at this point? I'm just so utterly scared, and I don't know how to stop.

Thank you to everyone who has wished me well, who have taken my frantic calls, who have listened to me cry, and who likewise desperately want this for me. Please try to keep the faith in me, regardless of the outcome.

Alone

I'm going to get my bar results alone this time. First time, my mom was there. And she was useless. I don't want to talk about it.

Second time, I had my BFF C on the phone. We're still trying to decide which one of us was more shocked to see that I hadn't passed. I think it might actually be her, since every time she and I spoke (when I picked up the phone, that is), I had been studying. I averaged about 7-10 hours per day. It was unholy. And I am still pissy at those people who say that God had a lesson for me to learn when I failed, especially by the minuscule margin that I did. (For those who don't know, I missed passing by .00085 out of 2000 points. Yes, it sucks worse than you thought.)

So I'm facing this demon alone this time. Wish me luck!

Required Reading

For the past four years, not only have I had to deal with the the wake of disaster Bush left for America, I've been stunted from doing a lot of the things that used to bring me such joy. I realized the other day, as I neared the end of Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster, that I hadn't finished a book that didn't have case captions in it in the last four years. I mean, I've read magazines, parts of books, but have been unable to stick to a book long enough to finish.

Today, I finished Bitter. I LOVED it. She's my new favorite author. And I related to it, as I imagine many who read this blog could.

The book is a "memoir" about her being a superficial label-whore VP at a large company who got laid off after September 11th. She was out of work for 2 years, and her new husband also got let go during that window. They lost their fabulous apartment, she had to sell her purses (which is unfathomable!), and almost got evicted from her non-fabulous apartment. The biggest thing I could relate to is the rejection and being forced to re-evaluate your life.

If you can't figure out the similarities, you're either blissfully ignorant or you've never tried to do something challenging.

Either way, anyone who has been kicked when they were down, and subsequently kicked when they tried to get back up again, Bitter is the New Black should be required reading.

I'm also reading Such a Pretty Fat, and will be next reading Bright Lights, Big Ass. I also am an immediate fan of her blog: www.jennsylvania.com. It'll tide me over when I've finished her 3 currently-published books.

Going to try to not be fixated on Friday...wish me luck! Have a great weekend.

$4,500,000

Approximately 10,000 sit for the July bar exam every year. To sit (and take it on your laptop), you have to pay approximately $650. This does not include any bar prep courses, books, hotel, food, etc. "They" say that $100 of everyone's fees goes to the multi-state portion of the exam. Another approximately $100 goes for using your laptop. So let's say that every person who sat for the bar exam gave roughly $450 for their exam to be proctored, shipped to Northern California, and graded. Please keep in mind, the average essay gets graded in 2-3 minutes, and the average performance test gets graded in about 5 minutes. Assuming that three of the essays and one of the performance tests gets re-graded, that works out to roughly 45 minutes.

I paid four hundred and fifty f*cking dollars for forty five minutes of your time, ten damned dollars PER MINUTE, and the best they can do is FOUR FREAKING MONTHS?!!?!?!?

We, collectively, have willingly paid roughly $4,500,000, and the best they can do is four months? What the hell is the deal? This is bad business. It's no wonder that we all went to law school. For the most part, we are not great at math. We collectively have other talents. But has anyone else done this math? Has anyone else figured out that this is a freaking racket? It's a money-making proposition. Anyone else wonder why the passage rate is so low and there is NO appeal process? Answer? The bottom line. There is profit from our failure.

Is it possible that I'm getting more insane by the minute? I'd bet on it. Frankly, I have a $160,000 bet riding on me eventually passing this damn thing. People wonder why I like Vegas? Other than being America's adult playground (and there are generally fewer children than say, my next door neighbors that have been kicking a ball against our wall for the entire time I wrote this post), it is a place where you dream that the impossible could actually happen. And even if you lose a couple hundred bucks gambling, it's a relatively cheap bet. I've bet $160,000 on me passing this ONE TEST where the odds are stacked further against me than any house odds in Vegas.

And what happens when you pass? They send you a bill. Granted, I'll be so over-the-moon excited to have passed I'll be in a frenzy writing that check. I probably won't be able to relax until I know they cashed it. Somehow it'll feel like consideration for the contract, on which I can reasonably rely. I wonder if that's ever happened - they tell you that you passed, you pay, then they admit their mistake in admitting you and try to take it back. Sounds like a research project for a bored law student in contracts class. Hmm, they should NEVER have put wi-fi in classrooms.

I'm late for work.

Threesome

Calm down, I'm not talking about sex. (For those who wanted me to be talking about sex, sorry!) Today, I found out I lost another 3 pounds this week. I'm waiting on a 3rd set of bar results. My world seems to be revolving around 3's right now. Yes, there is more than just the weight loss and bar results. I'm just hoping that, like my weight loss, my bar results are positive in my life. But since my formatting on this blog isn't cooperating right now, I'm going to cut it short before I throw my laptop across the room. Maybe I could pick it up and throw it three times...

"Worst Case Scenario"

Here's the thing: no good can come from bar results.

Granted, I may be a tad bitter about my most recent set. Maybe. (Sense writer's sarcasm here.) But I wonder what will happen when I pass.

A firm about an hour south and east of where I live has recruited me to fill the gap left by the lawyer who handled most of the firm's employment discrimination practice. I am so flattered and honored. So he asks if I'm still interested in speaking with him. Hell yeah! He also is a mediator, which I LOVE. I would love to eventually transition into a mediation practice. And he could really help guide me with that.

He asked if I still want to speak with him. Uh, yeah! Here's the thing: I won't have bar results for roughly two more weeks (see prior post if you believe I don't know EXACTLY how long it is until I can check the website). I certainly don't want to waste his time. He needs a lawyer, and I'll know in 2 weeks whether or not I can fill his needs. So I told him so.

He said, "even assuming worst case scenario, would you consider working part time while studying?" Ouch. My fears are manifested in his language. What would I do I don't pass again? How could I face my colleagues? How can I face myself?

Not passing is absolutely the worst case scenario. I'm nauseous. Bright side? At least the nausea makes me not want to eat. And since I'm already down 10.5 pounds and counting, a little nausea goes a long way.

13 days, 7 hours, 25 minutes

Yes, I feel obsessed.

Tired

I'm tired lately. I feel like I could sleep forever. It may be a side-effect of my choosing to lose weight.

I hate the terms that are associated with weight loss. Most obvious is the word "loss." I HATE to lose. As a litigator, this is a great (and necessary) trait. I am not a good loser. And "diet?" It sounds too close to "dying." I don't like to feel deprived of anything, and only when I am choosing to deny (also sounds like diet) myself certain foods, amounts, or times of day, do I obsess with it. I just wish there was an easy way , one that wouldn't require exercise or watching caloric intake. Yeah, did I mention I was tired?

I ordered some stuff online. I'm REALLY excited to have the packages coming in. I love getting packages. I should have 3 coming soon. WAY exciting! I love having something to look forward to that is positive. I pray I get positive bar results, but since I don't actually know what is coming, I can't be excited about it. Especially in light of the fact that I've already gotten 2 sets of earth-shatteringly disappointing ones. So please help me try to stay positive. I could really use the encouragement.

I'm not only physically tired, but I'm completely emotionally on edge. And tomorrow my assistant and I get to tell my boss that we screwed up a pleading today by forgetting to attach the exhibit. Realistically, it's no big deal. We just file an errata, point out that it was left out in error, and call it a day. No additional fees, no problems. But he's going to FLIP. I am NOT looking forward to tomorrow. I wish I could stay home, but I need the cash. Suddenly tired again.

Who Woulda Thunk?

Tonight, a woman on something akin to tech support talked slowly to me like I was an idiot. Yeah, she is going to regret taking that tone. What I wanted to say was something like "listen, bitch, I have a JD, and you have so little education that you don't even know what the f**k that means." You should admire my restraint. All I said to her was "and what was your name again?" She hesitated before giving it to me. I think she knows I am the WRONG girl to mess with.

I was thinking this evening about how we all are desperately seeking someone else's approval, be it a boss, a spouse, a child, God, a fitness trainer, whomever. Maybe that's why I was so over the moon about my previous post. I feel like the Supreme Court of that state acknowledged my hard work, my skillfully-crafted arguments, and openly rewarded me. This is not to take away from the work my boss did, but it is very much an accomplishment of which I should be proud. I couldn't have become the "lawyer" that I am without him.

So I was talking with my ex just now. I wanted him to share in my happiness in my recent legal victory. I thought he could use some good news. He couldn't have sounded less enthusiastic than if I told him while he was having a prostate exam. So I called him on it. I told him that he really needs to stop wallowing in self-pity because he's pushing away those people who love him and believe in him. And frankly, I was pissed that his "congratulations" seemed extremely flat and insincere.

He asked me after a very real conversation if he could call me tomorrow. I told him I would answer the phone.

After we hung up, it struck me how much of a dichotomy there was between who I was 10 years ago and today. 10 years ago, I was hospitalized because I didn't want to live. It's not that I wanted to die, necessarily, but I was frustrated and scared and couldn't take much more of my life. Today, I encouraged my ex to be more positive and that I could help him with that if he was interested.

So, my accomplishment tally for the last few days:
1. The state Supreme Court vindicated my client's rights, took a stance against unconscionable arbitration clauses, and reinforced employee rights.
2. I have lost 2.5 pounds this week, which totals 10.5 since I started making an effort (about 3 weeks).
3. It turns out I, at least sometimes, want to be positive and encourage others to also be positive.
4. I've survived my first laser hair-removal treatment.

Ex said that, while it seems that bad things happen in sequence, sometimes good things keep on rolling too. Maybe I already rubbed off on him a little bit. Maybe he just wanted to humor me because he knows how insane and bitchy I'll become until I get bar results. And if I don't pass again, Lord only knows how I'll handle it. I just pray that, this time, I don't have to find out. Here's hoping and praying.

Oh yeah, and I'm TOTALLY excited about tomorrow. I just pray Prop 2 passes, and Props 4 and 8 are shot down like kamikaze bombers.

The Good Fight

You should always fight the good fight. It's worth it. When I was clerking at a boutique plaintiff's firm while in law school, I was fortunate enough to work on a case against a nation-wide gym. It was particularly egregious sexual harassment. The client is a relate-able single mom. This was sexual harassment that made me nauseous, and the harasser was a scary drug user.

Less than 10 years before our case in a much more conservative county, the gym had received a $1.1 million verdict against it for similar acts of sexual harassment. Did they learn? Of course not. Did their defense attorneys find a much better way to deal with harassment that they knew was running rampant (as testified to by a gym-employed HR person)? Nope. They did, however, come up with a way to avoid liability, public recognition of the sexual harassment, and million dollar verdicts. How so? Arbitration.

Pre-dispute, binding arbitration agreements as a condition of employment are not only unconscionable, but also strip individuals of their 6th Amendment rights to a jury and public trial...oh yeah, and ANY kind of appeal. Fair? Hell no! It has been compared to David and Goliath, but taking David's slingshot away. It's referred to as the Repeat Player Effect. Big corporations hire arbitrators who want to be re-hired in the future...but somehow that's not a conflict. And they have high-powered attorneys on payroll ready to make motions to stay and compel arbitration at the drop of a hat.

The EEOC, American Arbitration Association, and JAMS (another national arbitration association, but the I can never remember what the initial stand for), have ALL come out AGAINST these kinds of mandatory, binding, pre-dispute agreements. The EEOC recognizes that arbitration allows for institutionalized discrimination and robs the government of any means of tracking discrimination or enforcing employee rights against those companies.

So this case that I worked on went to arbitration where the arbitrator's decisions and eventual award were so obviously in contradiction to the law, we had to find out where he got his law degree. Turns out he didn't have one. He lied. Defense firm (which was recently bought by one of the world's largest employer-defending firms) lied. The defendants, by and through their counsel, lied. All were found to have committed actual fraud.

For those who don't know, vacating an arbitration award is a standard higher than abuse of discretion. In layman's terms, it's damn-near impossible, hence the reference to David and Goliath.

My former boss and I worked on the motion to vacate with fervor (for several reasons, but primarily because the client had really gotten the short end of many sticks). And when the judge found actual fraud and remanded the case for trial, I was guardedly excited. The appeals court was likely to overturn the decision. But they didn't. And then it was appealed to the Supreme Court of that state, which consists of 9 ultra-conservative Republicans who have a track record of stripping people of their rights. I was terrified they would grant the petition for cert.

But they declined cert on Friday. - WE WON.-

I wept. Not only was this the best thing that could have happened for our client (and it likely means a 7-figure or higher settlement), but it reinforced who I believe I am and what I'm capable of doing. This was the good fight. Most attorneys, knowing what they were up against and the client's inability to pay (contingency case), would have refused the representation. We fought the good fight. And in this shining moment, we actually won. It reminded me that I was born to do this. This is what God has in mind for me. This is who I am.

And I had to wonder...Even though I want so badly to have passed this bar, will I be as happy when that happens? I honestly don't think so because this was not only a reflection of my abilities, but also a vindication of peoples' right to be free from sexual harassment at the workplace, and a giant blow to binding pre-dispute arbitration clauses as a condition of employment. This is so much bigger than just me. My boss and I worked and slaved and fought the good fight.

And we won.

I just hope that I did pass this bar so I can start doing this kind of work as an attorney and not a law clerk. To my former boss's credit, on this case, he treated me like a colleague and not support staff. He valued my opinions, writing, and judgment. And for this, I am extremely grateful. Because of him, I can have some ownership in this outcome. Now I want to do it with a license. I want my signature on the bottom next time.

So please, God, please let me have passed this time. It's the good fight.