A guy from the office suite next to ours told me that he has faith that I passed. He's also the one who asked me whether or not I pray (which I find to be quite a personal question, but whatever).
So I was thinking about faith today. And yesterday while I was crying hysterically and having a small-scale panic attack in my car on the drive home. FYI, it's NEVER a good idea to have a panic attack accompanied by a hysterical crying session during rush hour traffic on the busiest street in the city.
It's not that I don't have faith in God. I do. I believe that He guides me in many of my decisions. And He and I have conversations on a regular basis, although I do most of the talking.
It's faith in myself that I lack. And if you "pfft" at that statement, you've obviously never taken a bar exam. I really thought I passed last time. I had faith that I did. And I was robbed. It was more devastating than almost anything I can imagine. It shook my faith in myself, my abilities, my life, who I am, what I want to do, and whether or not I would be good at it. And when you go through something like that, especially twice, and then have to face it again for a third (and hopefully LAST) time, you have to understand how low I feel.
Maybe my panic attacks (yes, plural) are my psyche's self-defense mechanism. Or maybe they're a manifestation of my greatest fears realized. It is also possible I'm overreacting, but I sincerely doubt that is the case.
I'm just f*cking terrified that I didn't pass again. I really don't know how I would handle it. And I'm still considering staying in my office until it's time to check so that I can have my reaction to whatever news I get to be private. Maybe I need that. Maybe I should be at home. Who knows at this point? I'm just so utterly scared, and I don't know how to stop.
Thank you to everyone who has wished me well, who have taken my frantic calls, who have listened to me cry, and who likewise desperately want this for me. Please try to keep the faith in me, regardless of the outcome.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
What you said. (;-)>
Sitting right there next to you, I am.
Keep the faith.
GP
Thanks for sharing. As a second time taker, I find myself in the same boat. I've never posted or commented before, but I have often found myself checking in from time to time. Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel right now. I failed by a narrow margin last time too (10 points) - and I keep thinking - I have to pass this time - right? But then I saw how close you were, and I too had that panic attack. Knowing that you were able to get up to bat and do it again gives me some strength. I hope we all find out on Saturday we've all passed! And, I say check it out alone. Maybe the comfort of home is better. All the best!
Dear CBed:
Good luck tomorrow night. Some of us take more than 1...2...3... times to pass.
As I tell anyone who doesn't pass the first time, the only way you truly fail the bar is to give up before passing the bastard.
Jonathan Kramer, Esq.
Kramer Telecom Law Firm, PC
(and friend of Grand Poobah)
Hey Barrrrrrbara,
I totally know what you mean re believing in God but not in yourself...
And, I feel ya re the panic attacks.
I am praying for you. tomorrow will finally be here soon.
Love ya,
Kate
Post a Comment