He Loves Me? He Loves Me Not?

I remember when I was a kid, and we used to have miniature wild daisies growing in our front yard. They're the kind you sometimes see growing in the grass in parks. My friends and I used to think of male classmates and pull the petals off of the daisies, saying "he loves me, he loves me not" until each petal was gone.

It made me think recently. I wonder if I love "him" or if I love the idea of him. Or maybe I love how comfortable I am with him? I've known him for just over 14 years. He knows so much about me, but since we didn't stay in touch while I was in law school, there is a lot he doesn't know about me any more, and there are some assumptions he's made about who I am now.

And it bothers me that while I was in Seattle, he reminded me that I've said some "really mean things" to him over the years. It took all of my strength to not tell him that he's said and done some really mean things to me too. But it wasn't worth picking the fight, especially since I don't think he intended to start one. But could he get over that kind of thing? Could I get over the fact that I would have to pay the lion's share of the bills? Could we move on and leave the past behind? Do I even want to try? Or should I just take him at face value, have a good time every once in a while, and leave it at that? I think I might go insane if I knew he was with someone else. But why?

Over our 14 year history, he usually told me he loved me quite frequently. I believe he meant it. So why should it bother me now if he doesn't say it as much any more? But why doesn't he say it? Does he not love me any more? Is it because he loves someone else?

And why was he worried about tanning when he should have been worried about "manscaping" instead? Inside joke.

So does he love me? Does he love who I am? Who I used to be? Who I want to be? Does he love me at all? Maybe I just need to be reminded?